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Hey, You, Get Off My New Cloud

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asperitas

Fast on the heels of “asperitas,” the first new cloud type since 1951, everyone is suddenly identifying new clouds. Here are a few of the crazier ones.

TRUMPULUS – Swirls of fluffy wisps seem to swoop and curl from all directions at once. It almost doesn’t look like a real cloud.

NIMBOWOOFUS – That cloud everyone sees that looks like a dog’s head.

SIRI-US – A cloud that follows one person around, day and night, answering questions and giving directions.

CUMULOCRASHUS – Dark, dense, impenetrable clouds that appear when the stock market drops more than 500 points in a single day.

PUFFNSTUFFUS STRATOCASTUS – Indoor cloud formations often seen at Dave Matthews concerts.

PALOALTOSTRATUS – Clouds that contain no moisture whatsoever.

Actually, as someone once said, I really don’t know clouds at all.

Classic Bands Rebooted – Part Two

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recordalbums

It seems there is no end to the list of bands and singers in immediate need of renaming. Luckily, a few of those performers are about to get a free upgrade.

LIMP FITBIT

MY CHEMICAL BROMANCE

OK GOPRO

ZZ PODCAST

DEATH UBER FOR CUTIE

ARCADE DROUGHT

THE SMASHING CRONUTS

JAZZY JEFF AND THE ORGANIC PRINCE

TINDERLAND

REO SPEED TESLA

RAGE AGAINST THE SELFIE STICK

JOAN DRONE

NEW KALE ON THE BLOCK

AIR BNB SUPPLY

3D PRINTED DOG NIGHT

ROBOCALL OUT BOY

BINGE WATCH TV ON THE RADIO

Let the world tours begin!

Other Names Considered for American Pharoah

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americanpharoah

Much has been made of the spelling of the name American Pharoah. The new Triple Crown winner boasts a moniker that opts for P-H-A-R-O-A-H rather than the more accurate P-H-A-R-A-O-H. Here at the Jimbo List, we are taking an open-minded view of the matter – especially since the name could have been much, much worse.

AMERICAN PASSTIME

FEBUARY PHAROAH

TEMPERMENTAL PHAROAH

WORLD B. FREE PHAROAH

AMERICAN AMATURE

AMERICAN BELLWEATHER

SOPHMORE PHAROAH

AMERICAN PRIVALEGE

GREATFUL PHAROAH

PHAROAH MOMENTO

INDEPENDANT PHAROAH

AMERICAN DUMBELL

A dictionary and the Daily Racing Form make a nice combo.

The Muppet Show – Rebooted

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muppets

Well, it seems “The Muppet Show” is returning to the small screen. The honchos at ABC recently gave the OK for an updated version of the classic, 1970s-era variety show. All we know so far is that it will have a fake documentary style, like “The Office.” With that in mind, here are some suggestions for updated characters:

THE SEXTING CHEF

KERMIT THE DRONE

STATLER AND AIRBNB

GONZO THE GR8

SELFIE BEAR

DR. BUNSEN PHOTOBOMB

RETWEETUMS

FREE RANGE ANIMAL

They wouldn’t dare update Miss Piggy.

More Stuff Brian Williams May Have Exaggerated

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brianwilliams

As the Brian Williams fiasco continues and the NBC anchor’s career heads into free-fall, people are starting to question a few other claims Williams may (or may not) have made:

RODE SHOTGUN ON THE MILLENNIUM FALCON

CAUGHT THE LAST HELI OUT OF SAIGON IN ’75

HAD TO DUCK WHEN THE WRIGHT BROTHERS BUZZED HIS BACK YARD

WARNED AMELIA EARHART THE WEATHER LOOKED “IFFY”

BEAT EDWARD R. MURROW IN GIN RUMMY DURING THE LONDON BLITZ

SCORED THE FIRST INTERVIEW WITH SNOOPY AFTER HE TANGLED WITH THE RED BARON

COINED THE TERM “WARP DRIVE”

BEGGED AARON BURR AND ALEXANDER HAMILTON TO SETTLE THEIR BEEF WITH A GAME OF FOOSBALL

WAS THE LEFT SHARK DURING KATY PERRY’S SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

Say it isn’t so, BriWi.

New Year’s Day Movie Titles

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happynewyear

Welcome to 2015, everyone! Now that all the revelry has subsided, maybe a nice, quiet movie is in order. Here are a few titles for films that might reflect the New Year’s Day mood.

TITANIC HANGOVER

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT A BLOODY MARY

RESOLUTION ROAD

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING IS FUZZY

DUDE, WHERE’S MY SUNGLASSES?

MIMOSA MIA!

GONE (TO THE BATHROOM) GIRL

GUARDIANS OF THE IBUPROFEN

THIS IS WHERE I HEAVE YOU

Enjoy the show!

Children’s Books Written By (or about) Vladimir Putin

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putin

He may be a power-mad Russian strongman, but that doesn’t mean Vladimir Putin doesn’t have a sensitive, artistic side. For example, many people are unaware that Putin has written a number of children’s books. Here are a few titles to get you started.

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE LACK OF WARDROBE

HORTON HEARS A COUP

THE VELVETEEN WHACKJOB

HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRANIUM

UKRAINIA BEDALIA

THERE’S A WOCKET IN MY POCKET! NO, SERIOUSLY. THERE’S AN ACTUAL WOCKET IN MY POCKET

THE TAKING TREE

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF TEAR GAS

DIARY OF A KGB KID

OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL CRUSH!

BROWN BEAR, BROWN BEAR, WHAT SORT OF INSANE PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION DO YOU SEE?

THE LITTLE DESPOT WHO COULD

CURIOUS GEORGE MAYBE SHOULD STOP BEING SO CURIOUS

THE VERY HUNGRY AUTOCRAT

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CRIMEA

VLADIMIR AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD INVASION

He’s still waiting for his first Caldecott, I hear.

5 Random Thoughts to Consider During a Snowstorm

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daftpunk

Here we are in the middle of yet another snowstorm here on the East Coast. It’s the perfect time to let the mind wander and take stock of some truly important matters. Such as …

JONAH HILL HAS TWO OSCAR NOMINATIONS AND BILL MURRAY ONLY HAS ONE. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

BOB COSTAS’ EYE INFECTION IS THE BEST HUMAN INTEREST STORY OF THE ENTIRE WINTER OLYMPICS

IF KANSAS BASKETBALL COACH BILL SELF REFERS TO A “SELFIE,” DO YOU THINK HE MEANS THE SAME THING WE DO?

THE DAFT PUNK GUYS WOULD BE A PERFECT 2-MAN BOBSLED TEAM

MEASURING SNOW IS NOW THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE STILL HAVE WOODEN RULERS

Happy shoveling!

9 Good Things About the Polar Vortex

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polarvortexBe my guest if you want to complain about the Polar Vortex that has settled in over much of the country. But if you think about it, this much-maligned weather system has more than a few positive things going for it. Such as:

THAT ELF IS NOW FROZEN TO THE SHELF

SOUPCICLES

ICE FISHING IN ATLANTA

I CAN FINALLY FINISH MY POEM ABOUT GORTEX

THE DUDES ON MOUNT RUSHMORE LOOK GOOD IN EARMUFFS

THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS WEARS SHORTS IN THE WINTER IS FORCED TO GO INDOORS UNTIL SPRING

GREAT SEATS AVAILABLE ON THE STATEN ISLAND FERRY

NICE TO HEAR ‘VORTEX’ USED IN A NON-STAR TREK CONTEXT

FOR ONCE, MY BEER IS ACTUALLY COLD

Stay warm, my friends.

7 Great Survival Stories

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allislostposter

This has been a banner year for stories of survival, including the excellent film “All Is Lost,” starring Robert Redford. These tales, whether in movies or the printed word, bring us to the brink of what it means to be human. Are we reckless? Resilient? Reflective? Yes to all three. In any case, here are seven terrific stories of trying to survive. No spoilers here, but I will point out that some of the protagonists live and some of them die. What they have in common is that all of them put up a fight.

GRAVITY

gravitybullock

A dazzling, seat-of-the-pants adventure, “Gravity” has grabbed tons of attention – and deservedly so. The special effects are stunning, the central performance by Sandra Bullock is perfect and there’s not one wasted moment in the film. Like many survival yarns, it offers something beyond the notion of trying to stay alive. In this case, Bullock’s plucky astronaut is grieving the loss of her daughter as she tries to dodge shards of floating space debris.

TO BUILD A FIRE

tobuildafirejacklondon

This classic short story by Jack London was published in 1908, and it is as riveting now as it must have been back then. With no frills and an almost clinical attention to detail, it is the story of a man who sets out with his dog near the Yukon Trail on a day much too cold for safe travel. The temperatures are 75 degrees below zero, and dropping. Every decision, good and bad, has immediate consequences, which gives the story a chilling clarity.

CAST AWAY

castawayhanks

Here we have survival as transformation – a common theme in this List. Tom Hanks is his usual, charismatic self as a guy stranded on a desert island. He endures only to the extent that his knowledge and will allow him – but is that enough? Why does survival matter? What is the point of existence? If only there was a bloody soccer ball around to tell us.

127 HOURS

127hours

Based on a true story, “127 Hours” stars James Franco as a fun-loving adventurer whose hand becomes wedged between immovable rocks during a solo climbing trip. The inner journey takes center stage, as this man takes stock of his young life and considers what he is willing to do to stay alive.

LEININGEN VERSUS THE ANTS

leiningenversustheants

To some extent, hubris is the subtext of many of these stories. That’s certainly the case with the short story, “Leiningen Versus the Ants,” written by Carl Stephenson and published in 1938. Leiningen is a swaggering plantation owner in Brazil, who decides to stand his ground against a miles-long army of hungry ants. His true enemy, one he valiantly combats, is panic. If the plot sounds familiar, it may be because the story was made into a 1954 movie, “The Naked Jungle,” starring Charlton Heston.

BURIED

buriedmovie

Unlikely premise, but an interesting movie. Ryan Reynolds plays a man buried alive in a coffin, trying to get out. He’s got his cell phone, so it should be no problem – except that he doesn’t know where he is. Gulp.

ALL IS LOST

allislostredfordclose

I can’t say enough about the extraordinary work Redford does in “All is Lost.” All alone on a sailboat on the Indian Ocean, Redford lets his iconic face do the talking as a freaky accident sets in motion a brutal chain of events. The movie is heartbreaking and inspiring, without caving in to unnecessary sentiment.

I limited myself here to singular survival tales. Any good ones I left out?