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Sports Stadium Names Too Ridiculous to Work

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So many stadiums, so little time. With baseball, basketball and hockey ongoing – and football never far from a fan’s thoughts – the staff here at The Jimbo List would like to ponder a few arena names that (hopefully) will never happen.

MILLER GENUINE DRAFT DODGERS STADIUM

PROZAC PARK

SAN FRANCISCO SHAKE SHACK

CHICAGO BUILD-A-BEARS FIELD

GOOGLE CHROME DOME

PENTHOUSE FORUM

POLITICO ARENA

STARBUCKS COFFEE GROUNDS

OUTBACK YARDS

COLISEUM FOR DUMMIES

DEPENDS FIELD

ENERGY DRINK RINK

STAY PUFT STADIUM

WRIGLEY PIGGLY WIGGLY FIELD

You’ll notice I steered clear of Enron Field. Add to The List!

Graduation Speech Cliches that Need to be Retired

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As college and high school graduation season rolls through the land, thousands of audiences will hear the same bits of tired wisdom that have been trotted out for decades. Perhaps it is time to give some of these insights a rest.

“Don’t be afraid to fail.” – While I understand and agree with the sentiment, I kind of think it might not be a bad idea to be just a little bit afraid to fail. Not a lot. Just enough to keep from losing your life savings on that digital chinchilla farm idea.

“Remember that you are the future.” - No kidding. Listen, not only do graduates fully understand that they are the future, their entire master plan for happiness and success hinges on them being the future.

“Always appreciate your parents.” - Again, wonderful sentiment. However, do we really believe that some kid is sitting there in a cap and gown, thinking, “You know, I never really cared for Mom and Dad, but now that the CEO of AcmeCorp has set me straight, I’m going to start remembering their birthdays!”?

“Enjoy this time of your life.” – Really? A jobless economic recovery, a mountain of student debt and a mind-numbing presidential campaign season ahead of us – and these are the glory days? Enjoy, kids.

“Follow your dreams.” – This one comes with an implied kicker: “As long as your dream isn’t to spend three years on Mom’s couch while you pursue a career as a professional poker player.”

“Never stop learning.” - This advice would be much better directed to the parents than the graduates. Today’s kids have no intention of stopping their education and skills training. They know they’ll work a series of jobs over their lifetime. It’s their parents who need to be prodded to read a book, take a class or attend a workshop.

So there’s our start. What are some of YOUR least favorite graduation speech cliches? Add to The List!

 

Great TV & Movie Moms You May Not Remember

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This weekend we celebrate Mother’s Day, so here’s something to get you in the mood: A bunch of terrific, but sometimes overlooked, moms from TV and movies.

SADA THOMPSON

“FAMILY” (1976-80)

This series about a California family was somewhat of a soap opera, but it got many things just right. Chief among them was the fiercely intelligent performance by Sada Thompson as Kate Lawrence. Without resorting to showy theatrics, she conveyed her character’s deep love for her kids even when they did self-destructive things. And what kid doesn’t do self-destructive things?

DIAHANN CARROLL

“JULIA” (1968-71)

Tame by today’s standards, “Julia” was an important show for its time. Carroll played a nurse raising her son alone, after her husband dies in Vietnam. Just like other shows of that era, it taught simple life lessons that were wrapped up neatly by the end of the episode. It didn’t need to be edgy; its mere existence on the TV schedule was statement enough. Plus, Carroll was excellent.

MERCEDES RUEHL

“BIG” (1988)

Amid the fantasy and comedy elements of the Tom Hanks movie, “Big,” there is this great performance by Ruehl. Her character, Mrs. Baskin, believes her young son has been kidnapped or run away. Her brief flashes of anger and sadness actually keep the rest of the story in perspective.

ADELINE DE WALT REYNOLDS

“GOING MY WAY” (1944)

Here’s a testament to the power of motherhood. In this movie, young priest Bing Crosby is trying to persuade old priest Barry Fitzgerald to change with the times and rejuvenate his spirit. At the end of the film, Crosby arranges to have Fitzgerald’s mother brought in from Ireland as a surprise. When he sees her – ancient, smiling, barely able to walk – he melts into her open arms.

MERYL STREEP

“THE RIVER WILD” (1994)

Introducing Meryl Streep, action hero mom. In “The River Wild,” her character, a whitewater rafting expert, has multiple problems to solve. She has to save her marriage, keep her family from being killed by a pair of criminals – and navigate some nasty rapids.

HIAM ABBASS

“THE VISITOR” (2007)

Abbass is quietly moving in a film that also is quietly moving. She plays a Syrian woman in America, whose son has been sent to a detention center for illegal immigrants. She feels guilt, rage and helplessness, but never wavers in her love and sacrifice.

BESS ARMSTRONG

“MY SO-CALLED LIFE” (1994-95)

There was nothing quiet about Bess Armstrong in “My So-Called Life.” Her mom character got mad, argued, debated and was willing to discipline her 15-year-old daughter, played by Claire Danes. It was painfully real. Yet she was willing to listen and console, too. Armstrong may have been the most realistic mom in TV history.

REGINA TAYLOR

“CLOCKERS” (1995)

This is maternal bravery, depicted on film. In “Clockers,” Taylor absolutely tears into a drug dealer (played by Mekhi Phifer) who might be taking an interest in recruiting her young son for the drug trade. Her fire – and her fear that she might be fighting a losing battle – are right there for everyone to see.

ANJELICA HUSTON

“50/50″ (2011)

This is a tricky role that Huston plays very nicely. She’s the mom of an adult son who develops cancer, and her initial scenes require her to be fairly hysterical. As the movie progresses, an interesting thing happens with her. You come to realize through her that being fairly hysterical is actually part of a parent’s job.

PATRICIA WETTIG

“thirtysomething” (1987-91)

Wettig’s Nancy Weston on “thirtysomething” got to do something pretty radical for a TV mom. Her character was allowed to grow and change. She was at various times timid, mousy, trapped, jealous, angry, independent, forgiving and resilient. Great, great performance.

BARBARA BARRIE

“BREAKING AWAY” (1979)

She’s one of my favorites. Barrie is pleasantly daffy as the Indiana mom whose son has suddenly decided to pretend he’s a professional bicycle racer from Italy. She just goes with it, merrily waiting for her chance to inject some common sense here and there.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone. Feel free to add to The List!

The New Mullets

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As hairstyles go, the mullet gets more than its share of abuse. Today’s hipsters wouldn’t be caught dead in one; neither would their parents. But you know what? The mullet never goes away completely. From David Spade’s “Joe Dirt” and Danny McBride’s “Eastbound & Down,” to the “skullet” sported by pro baseball player Bryce Harper, the mullet lives on in one form or another. With that in mind, I have a few suggestions for some new variations.

THE MULLETINI – Kids love it!

THE MEW-LLET – Here, kitty, kitty

THE GRULLET – Grandpa gets into the act

THE O’MULLET – A little green dye does wonders

THE MULLETTE – For the ladies

THE NULLET – Nose hair mullet

THE MOYEL-LET – Perfect at a bris

McMULLET – Millions of fast food workers can’t be wrong

Party on, people!

Hollywood’s Best Fearful Heroes

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A healthy dose of fear can be a good thing, even for a movie hero. It adds just a hint of reality to what is often a preposterous situation, such as fending off aliens. The problem is, not many actors and actresses are able to do it well. They either play bravery well or play fear well, but not both. Consider this a salute to those movie heroes who aren’t afraid to be afraid.

JODIE FOSTER

There is no one who conveys pluck in the face of fear better than Jodie Foster. In “Silence of the Lambs,” “Panic Room” and even “Contact,” Foster has moments when her face is paralyzed with fear. Yet her characters soldier on, moving forward as best they can.

HARRISON FORD

Ford, for all his appeal, has a limited range as an actor. Something he does exceptionally well is show how a frightened man still has the nerve to do what needs to be done. Think of his endangered President in “Air Force One,” his beleaguered private eye of the future in “Blade Runner,” or his innocent man on the run in “The Fugitive.” He’s much more believable in those situations than when he’s attempting more subtle emotions.

GARY COOPER

Cooper makes The List for one great movie, “High Noon.” Here’s an old-school movie hero who takes on the role of a sheriff waiting for a gang of outlaws to come looking for him. His deputy and his fellow townspeople abandon him, but he chooses to stay and fight even though he’s scared out of his wits. It’s stunning to see an actor of so few words lose his cool. Amazing stuff.

DON KNOTTS

On the other end of the heroic spectrum, we have the star of such gems as “The Reluctant Astronaut” and “The Shakiest Gun in the West.” Knotts was a genius at nervous fright, giving his characters just enough good humor and spunk to win audiences over despite his twitchy tendencies.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Sigourney Weaver is one of the greatest movie action heroes of all time. Her work as Ripley in the “Alien” films shows an incredible range of bravery, anger, bitterness, resourcefulness, ambiguity and white-knuckle fear. Take this moment from “Alien3,” for instance.

JIMMY STEWART

They all, to a degree, owe a debt to Jimmy Stewart, whose career is filled with roles requiring him to be scared. Scared of heights (“Vertigo”). Scared of personal ruin (“It’s A Wonderful Life”). Scared of being gunned down in the street (“The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”). And he had a certain physical awkwardness, to boot. Yet we all trust his characters and believe they’ll do the right thing. That’s what made him a movie star.

So who did I leave out? Add your fearful heroes to The List!

If Jerry Lewis Made Every Movie

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We here at The Jimbo List are privy to any number of alternate worlds. On one of them, comedy auteur Jerry Lewis oversees every movie being made. It’s a peppy style of cinema, but it takes some getting used to. See what you think:

THE NUTTY AVENGER

THE DISORDERLY WAR HORSE

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA BOY

WHICH WAY TO THE MATRIX?

CINDERFELLAS

THE 80-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

THE IRON LAYDEEE

DEAN MARTIN WEARS PRADA

SCHINDLER’S LOST

MEN IN BLEECCCH

TELETHON MAN

MILLION DOLLAR BOOBY

Needless to say, these were all a big hit in France. Add to The List!

TV’s Greatest Replacements

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It’s pretty rare, but sometimes a TV show gets better – or in the case of a great show, maintains its greatness – when a new actor is brought in to replace someone who has left. Actually, it goes beyond acting. There are examples in TV news and reality shows, too. Here’s what I mean:

JIMMY SMITS

NYPD BLUE

Smits took over for the mystifyingly huffy David Caruso after the first season of “NYPD Blue,” in 1994. His soulful, stabilizing presence make an immediate difference – providing the show with a naturally charismatic leading man and giving Dennis Franz more room to explore his own, great character. Smits spent a decade as Det. Bobby Simone, and the episode in which his character died remains one of the most emotional in TV history.

JENNIFER LOPEZ & STEVEN TYLER

AMERICAN IDOL

It’s true, the ratings for “American Idol” aren’t as stellar as they were during the Simon Cowell-Paula Abdul years. But this reality show powerhouse could very easily have crashed and burned last year without successful replacements. Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, amazingly, have meshed perfectly into the show’s format without losing any personality or spontaneity. Bravo.

JOHNNY CARSON

THE TONIGHT SHOW

Hard to think of Johnny Carson as a replacement for anyone, since he became such a towering figure in television. But that’s what he was. Jack Paar had been a big draw as host of “The Tonight Show in the early 1960s, and it was far from a certainty that Carson, a former game show host and comic, had the chops to succeed in 1962. I have to admit, I greatly miss Johnny’s carefully crafted monologues and the way he gave his guests time to tell a story.

MATT LAUER

THE TODAY SHOW

Morning TV also has its great replacements. In this case, Lauer made the jump from “Today’s” news reader to co-anchor in 1997, replacing Bryant Gumbel. Unlike Gumbel, who exuded gravitas, Lauer had to earn his status gradually. His calm manner and likability have made him indispensable (and brought him a hefty paycheck).

DIANA RIGG

THE AVENGERS

In 1965, Rigg came on board this British spy series as Emma Peel. She replaced the beautiful, tough-as-nails Honor Blackman as partner to Patrick Macnee. The show had been around for three seasons already, but Rigg transformed the whole vibe and turned it into an international hit.

JERRY ORBACH

LAW & ORDER

My goodness, but Jerry Orbach was fine as Det. Lennie Briscoe. He had exactly the right weariness, wit and grit for the role, and he could deliver the first sequence, finding-the-body bad pun like no one else. “Law & Order” was built on the idea of constant turnover, but Orbach was its best replacement ever. He took the reins from Paul Sorvino in 1991.

WOODY HARRELSON

CHEERS

“Cheers” was a very smart show, so naturally it handled the replacement of “Coach”  Nicholas Colasanto in a very smart way. In 1985, it brought in a much younger guy, but had him play a similarly likable, doltish character. Harrelson was terrific as Woody Boyd.

HARRY MORGAN

M*A*S*H

This was another show that survived numerous replacements. My favorite example from “M*A*S*H” was Morgan, who played Col. Potter. It was a huge deal back in 1975, after the show famously decided to kill off McLean Stevenson’s character. Morgan’s commanding officer was nothing like Stevenson’s version, and it worked brilliantly. Col. Potter was gruff, but endearing.

JERI RYAN

STAR TREK: VOYAGER

Ryan, the sexy Borg Seven of Nine, revitalized “Star Trek: Voyager” when she replaced Jennifer Lien in 1997. Her character essentially took over the show, which was unfortunate, but her character trajectory was in keeping with a dominant “Star Trek” theme: finding one’s true humanity in an ever-changing universe.

WILLIAM DeMAREST

MY THREE SONS

We’re going back into the vault for this one. DeMarest, a solid character actor in films, became so associated with the crusty Uncle Charley on “My Three Sons” that people forgot he was a replacement. Originally, the show had William Frawley playing the boys’ grandfather. Uncle Charley came in five years later, in 1965. The show didn’t miss a beat.

KEN CURTIS

GUNSMOKE

What the heck – let’s stay in the TV vault for one more. TV’s venerable “Gunsmoke” had a series of deputies over its 1955-1975 run, but I always liked Festus the most. He had a hillbilly drawl much like that of his predecessor, Chester (played by Dennis Weaver), and a face that was a continuous study in contortion. Curtis took on the role of Festus first as a guest star, then became a series regular in 1964.

JON STEWART

THE DAILY SHOW

I doubt anyone could have predicted what a force Jon Stewart would become in popular culture by replacing Craig Kilborn as host of “The Daily Show” in 1999. I liked Kilborn’s show, but Stewart created something truly remarkable that still resonates today. He talks about American politics in a way that is both insightful and hilarious. Right now, he might be the most irreplaceable person on television.

Now it’s your turn. Who are your favorite TV replacements?

A History of Unfortunate Prom Themes

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It’s a delicate thing, coming up with a theme for a high school prom. For every theme that stands the test of time, there are several that become cringe-worthy in short order. Either way, they stay in the yearbook forever. Here are a few duds.

A NIGHT IN CHERNOBYL (1985)

HECK OF A PROM, BROWNIE (2005)

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON CORSAGE (2010)

MAGICAL MULLET MOMENTS (1990)

YADDA YADDA MEMORIES (1998)

WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S PARENTS’ CONDO (1989)

THOSE HELTER SKELTER YEARS (1968)

APOCALYPSE NOW – THE PROM (1979)

DAS BOUTONNIERE (1981)

Y2K IS COMING! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (1999)

A ZOMBIELAND ROMANCE (2009)

SEE YOU IN SECOND LIFE (2003)

MY SO-CALLED DATE (1994)

EAST COAST VS. WEST COAST (1991)

MOON OVER GUANTANAMO (2002)

FOUR YEARS ‘TIL WE’RE BACK LIVING WITH OUR PARENTS (2008)

Ah, you’re only young once. Add to The List!

Dick Clark’s Greatest Hits You Didn’t Know

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Dick Clark’s passing this week sent many of us looking back at his lengthy and varied resume. It’s quite amazing, and a real testament to his willingness to try anything at least once. Here are some of Mr. Clark’s past projects that you may have forgotten.

“DICK CLARK’S EASYGOING GUIDE TO GOOD GROOMING”

This 1986 book (the cover photo is posted above) is a mellow throwback to the grooming guides from earlier eras. Clark offers tips on everything from buying hair shampoo to tying a necktie. Let’s see Ryan Seacrest try that!

“KILLERS THREE”

Hard to imagine now, but back in 1968, Clark co-starred in a movie as a murderous thief. It was called “Killers Three,” and it also starred Robert Walker Jr. and Diane Varsi. The plot involved moonshine, blasting a safe and running from the law. Clark also was involved in the script and helped produce the film, which later was re-released on a double-bill with “Boxcar Bertha.”

FINAL EPISODE OF “PERRY MASON”

Yes, America’s Oldest Teenager got grilled on the witness stand in the very last episode of TV’s “Perry Mason” in 1966. “The Case of the Final Fade-Out” also featured appearances by members of the “Perry Mason” crew and the series’ creator, Erle Stanley Gardner. As for Clark, he played a TV writer named “Leif Early.”

GROOVY GUEST SPOT ON “BATMAN”

That same year, 1966, Clark scored some major pop culture points by popping up in TV’s “Batman.” Very nice. Very “Mad Men.”

“CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND”

Clark played himself in George Clooney’s directing debut, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind,” in 2002. This was a wild story about real-life TV host Chuck Barris, who later claimed that he was a CIA assassin. Barris had worked for Clark in the 1960s on “American Bandstand,” and Clooney films Clark in mock documentary style, talking about Barris.

Those are just some of the highlights. Clark also appeared on “The X-Files,” on “Friends,” as a ringmaster on “Circus of the Stars,” and he executive produced “Celebrity Boxing 2,” in which William “The Refrigerator” Perry stepped into the ring against Manute Bol. It’s safe to say there will never be another entertainment personality like Dick Clark.

What are your favorite Dick Clark appearances? Add to The List!

Bad Product Names

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Cleverness is usually a good thing when it comes to naming a product – but not always. Here are some (fictitious) products that aren’t likely to be on anybody’s shopping list.

LEGO WAFFLES

DEPOSITION IN A DRUM

THE POCKET PROCTOLOGIST

iFORK

WART WHACKER

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT REFLUX

CHOCK FULL O’ NITRATES

MISTER BRIS

LA-Z-BOY HOME FITNESS CENTER

BEERIOS

KENTUCKY FRIED PIGEON

Have any thoughts on some other bad products? Add to The List!