By CATAdvanced Cash
Summer busted out in a big way this past weekend, so here’s a List of Broadway musicals retooled for the season of beaches and heat.
THE SOUND OF NEIGHBORS’ MUSIC
FUNNY GRILL
MAN OF LA COUCHA
TAN-A-LOT
SPORTS JERSEY BOYS
WICKED HOT
ANNIE GET YOUR SQUIRT GUN
WATER SLIDE STORY
SPRITZ ME, KATE
MY STREET FAIR LADY
SWOONEY TODD
PHANTOM OF THE MUNICIPAL SWIMMING POOL
HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUG BITES WITHOUT REALLY TRYING
Let’s hope it’s a nice, long summer.
This weekend we get the latest installment in the “Men in Black” movies, and I’m looking forward to seeing Josh Brolin’s take on a young Tommy Lee Jones. But let us never forget that Will Smith and Co. are not the only men in black to come down the pop culture pike. Feast your eyes on these guys.
DARTH VADER
Give it up for Lord Vader, the tragic centerpiece of the “Star Wars” mythology. Voiced by the immensely talented James Earl Jones, Vader is a villain for the ages.
ZORRO
Zorro, the heroic alter ego of Don Diego de la Vega, has been rocking the black hat and mask for generations. From Douglas Fairbanks and Tyrone Power to Antonio Banderas and the ever popular Duncan Regehr, there’s been a Zorro for just about every era.
“THE MATRIX” CREW
For all the cutting edge technology and funky spirituality at the heart of “The Matrix,” it’s also undeniable that part of the fun of the original film is seeing Morpheus, Neo and Trinity in their black-clad personas. “The Matrix” is sort of like the coolest clothing store ever.
SNIDELY WHIPLASH
What kind of guy would tie a pretty girl to a railroad track? Snidely Whiplash, of course. He was the gleefully evil counterpoint to Dudley Do-Right on the old Bullwinkle show. Part of the reason he was so memorable is because he was voiced by the terrific Hans Conreid.
DEAN MARTIN
Nobody looked more natural in a black tuxedo than Dino. He had a masterful ease and assurance, whether he was singing with Sinatra, clowning with Jerry Lewis or pretending he was hammered on TV.
RICHARD LEWIS
Lots of comedians wear black, but Richard Lewis takes it to another level. Black is the perfect manifestation for his neurotic style of comedy and it brands him better than any catch-phrase. He’s a gem in a black jacket.
THE GRIM REAPER
You may also know him as Death. He’s a grim symbol of our impending date with…something, and he finds his way into everything from Charles Dickens to “Family Guy.”
BORIS BADENOV
Here’s another man in black from the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” stable. Bumbling spy Boris Badenov is hilarious, especially when he’s outsmarted by “Moose and Squirrel.” He’s actually charming in his badness.
RICHARD BOONE AS PALADIN
Few are likely to remember Richard Boone as the gunslinger Paladin on TV’s “Have Gun – Will Travel,” but he was wonderful. Boone’s character was a highly-educated, Shakespeare-quoting gun for hire who made the black outfit a statement in style and menace.
THE MAN IN BLACK FROM “THE PRINCESS BRIDE”
Here, the “Man in Black” is a Zorro-like character intended to instill fear by reputation, as well as physical prowess. Cary Elwes played him to perfection in one of the sweetest films of all time.
THE MAN IN BLACK FROM “LOST”
Sweet is not a word to describe Titus Welliver’s character on TV’s “Lost.” Welliver’s ancient, angry “Man in Black” is the malevolent force riding roughshod over that crazy island.
JOHNNY CASH
My apologies to those reading through this entire list thinking, “Where’s Cash? He’s got to include Cash, right?” In a word, yes. Johnny Cash is my favorite man in black. His scowl was black, his sneer was black, and often his songs were tinged with a darkness fueled by anger, passion or pain.
Those are my picks. Who are some of your favorite men in black?
In the interests of neighborliness and civic harmony, we here at The Jimbo List want everyone to be prepared with a quip in all circumstances. That includes those times when you discover something extra in your fast food purchase. Feel free to use these:
HEY, THERE’S PART OF A DUDE IN MY FOOD!
WHO ORDERED THE McKNUCKLE?
APPARENTLY, THEY’RE USING REAL TOES IN THE BURRITOS
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO ORDER THE FOOT-LONG
ONE WHOPPER, HOLD THE PINKY
THIS FILET O’ FISH NEEDS A MANICURE
MY ONION RINGS ARE GIVING ME A THUMBS-UP
I THOUGHT WENDY WAS A REDHEAD
Happy dining! And as always – add to The List!
So many stadiums, so little time. With baseball, basketball and hockey ongoing – and football never far from a fan’s thoughts – the staff here at The Jimbo List would like to ponder a few arena names that (hopefully) will never happen.
MILLER GENUINE DRAFT DODGERS STADIUM
PROZAC PARK
SAN FRANCISCO SHAKE SHACK
CHICAGO BUILD-A-BEARS FIELD
GOOGLE CHROME DOME
PENTHOUSE FORUM
POLITICO ARENA
STARBUCKS COFFEE GROUNDS
OUTBACK YARDS
COLISEUM FOR DUMMIES
DEPENDS FIELD
ENERGY DRINK RINK
STAY PUFT STADIUM
WRIGLEY PIGGLY WIGGLY FIELD
You’ll notice I steered clear of Enron Field. Add to The List!
As college and high school graduation season rolls through the land, thousands of audiences will hear the same bits of tired wisdom that have been trotted out for decades. Perhaps it is time to give some of these insights a rest.
“Don’t be afraid to fail.” – While I understand and agree with the sentiment, I kind of think it might not be a bad idea to be just a little bit afraid to fail. Not a lot. Just enough to keep from losing your life savings on that digital chinchilla farm idea.
“Remember that you are the future.” - No kidding. Listen, not only do graduates fully understand that they are the future, their entire master plan for happiness and success hinges on them being the future.
“Always appreciate your parents.” - Again, wonderful sentiment. However, do we really believe that some kid is sitting there in a cap and gown, thinking, “You know, I never really cared for Mom and Dad, but now that the CEO of AcmeCorp has set me straight, I’m going to start remembering their birthdays!”?
“Enjoy this time of your life.” – Really? A jobless economic recovery, a mountain of student debt and a mind-numbing presidential campaign season ahead of us – and these are the glory days? Enjoy, kids.
“Follow your dreams.” – This one comes with an implied kicker: “As long as your dream isn’t to spend three years on Mom’s couch while you pursue a career as a professional poker player.”
“Never stop learning.” - This advice would be much better directed to the parents than the graduates. Today’s kids have no intention of stopping their education and skills training. They know they’ll work a series of jobs over their lifetime. It’s their parents who need to be prodded to read a book, take a class or attend a workshop.
So there’s our start. What are some of YOUR least favorite graduation speech cliches? Add to The List!
This weekend we celebrate Mother’s Day, so here’s something to get you in the mood: A bunch of terrific, but sometimes overlooked, moms from TV and movies.
SADA THOMPSON
“FAMILY” (1976-80)
This series about a California family was somewhat of a soap opera, but it got many things just right. Chief among them was the fiercely intelligent performance by Sada Thompson as Kate Lawrence. Without resorting to showy theatrics, she conveyed her character’s deep love for her kids even when they did self-destructive things. And what kid doesn’t do self-destructive things?
DIAHANN CARROLL
“JULIA” (1968-71)
Tame by today’s standards, “Julia” was an important show for its time. Carroll played a nurse raising her son alone, after her husband dies in Vietnam. Just like other shows of that era, it taught simple life lessons that were wrapped up neatly by the end of the episode. It didn’t need to be edgy; its mere existence on the TV schedule was statement enough. Plus, Carroll was excellent.
MERCEDES RUEHL
“BIG” (1988)
Amid the fantasy and comedy elements of the Tom Hanks movie, “Big,” there is this great performance by Ruehl. Her character, Mrs. Baskin, believes her young son has been kidnapped or run away. Her brief flashes of anger and sadness actually keep the rest of the story in perspective.
ADELINE DE WALT REYNOLDS
“GOING MY WAY” (1944)
Here’s a testament to the power of motherhood. In this movie, young priest Bing Crosby is trying to persuade old priest Barry Fitzgerald to change with the times and rejuvenate his spirit. At the end of the film, Crosby arranges to have Fitzgerald’s mother brought in from Ireland as a surprise. When he sees her – ancient, smiling, barely able to walk – he melts into her open arms.
MERYL STREEP
“THE RIVER WILD” (1994)
Introducing Meryl Streep, action hero mom. In “The River Wild,” her character, a whitewater rafting expert, has multiple problems to solve. She has to save her marriage, keep her family from being killed by a pair of criminals – and navigate some nasty rapids.
HIAM ABBASS
“THE VISITOR” (2007)
Abbass is quietly moving in a film that also is quietly moving. She plays a Syrian woman in America, whose son has been sent to a detention center for illegal immigrants. She feels guilt, rage and helplessness, but never wavers in her love and sacrifice.
BESS ARMSTRONG
“MY SO-CALLED LIFE” (1994-95)
There was nothing quiet about Bess Armstrong in “My So-Called Life.” Her mom character got mad, argued, debated and was willing to discipline her 15-year-old daughter, played by Claire Danes. It was painfully real. Yet she was willing to listen and console, too. Armstrong may have been the most realistic mom in TV history.
REGINA TAYLOR
“CLOCKERS” (1995)
This is maternal bravery, depicted on film. In “Clockers,” Taylor absolutely tears into a drug dealer (played by Mekhi Phifer) who might be taking an interest in recruiting her young son for the drug trade. Her fire – and her fear that she might be fighting a losing battle – are right there for everyone to see.
ANJELICA HUSTON
“50/50″ (2011)
This is a tricky role that Huston plays very nicely. She’s the mom of an adult son who develops cancer, and her initial scenes require her to be fairly hysterical. As the movie progresses, an interesting thing happens with her. You come to realize through her that being fairly hysterical is actually part of a parent’s job.
PATRICIA WETTIG
“thirtysomething” (1987-91)
Wettig’s Nancy Weston on “thirtysomething” got to do something pretty radical for a TV mom. Her character was allowed to grow and change. She was at various times timid, mousy, trapped, jealous, angry, independent, forgiving and resilient. Great, great performance.
BARBARA BARRIE
“BREAKING AWAY” (1979)
She’s one of my favorites. Barrie is pleasantly daffy as the Indiana mom whose son has suddenly decided to pretend he’s a professional bicycle racer from Italy. She just goes with it, merrily waiting for her chance to inject some common sense here and there.
Happy Mother’s Day, everyone. Feel free to add to The List!
As hairstyles go, the mullet gets more than its share of abuse. Today’s hipsters wouldn’t be caught dead in one; neither would their parents. But you know what? The mullet never goes away completely. From David Spade’s “Joe Dirt” and Danny McBride’s “Eastbound & Down,” to the “skullet” sported by pro baseball player Bryce Harper, the mullet lives on in one form or another. With that in mind, I have a few suggestions for some new variations.
THE MULLETINI – Kids love it!
THE MEW-LLET – Here, kitty, kitty
THE GRULLET – Grandpa gets into the act
THE O’MULLET – A little green dye does wonders
THE MULLETTE – For the ladies
THE NULLET – Nose hair mullet
THE MOYEL-LET – Perfect at a bris
McMULLET – Millions of fast food workers can’t be wrong
Party on, people!
A healthy dose of fear can be a good thing, even for a movie hero. It adds just a hint of reality to what is often a preposterous situation, such as fending off aliens. The problem is, not many actors and actresses are able to do it well. They either play bravery well or play fear well, but not both. Consider this a salute to those movie heroes who aren’t afraid to be afraid.
JODIE FOSTER
There is no one who conveys pluck in the face of fear better than Jodie Foster. In “Silence of the Lambs,” “Panic Room” and even “Contact,” Foster has moments when her face is paralyzed with fear. Yet her characters soldier on, moving forward as best they can.
HARRISON FORD
Ford, for all his appeal, has a limited range as an actor. Something he does exceptionally well is show how a frightened man still has the nerve to do what needs to be done. Think of his endangered President in “Air Force One,” his beleaguered private eye of the future in “Blade Runner,” or his innocent man on the run in “The Fugitive.” He’s much more believable in those situations than when he’s attempting more subtle emotions.
GARY COOPER
Cooper makes The List for one great movie, “High Noon.” Here’s an old-school movie hero who takes on the role of a sheriff waiting for a gang of outlaws to come looking for him. His deputy and his fellow townspeople abandon him, but he chooses to stay and fight even though he’s scared out of his wits. It’s stunning to see an actor of so few words lose his cool. Amazing stuff.
DON KNOTTS
On the other end of the heroic spectrum, we have the star of such gems as “The Reluctant Astronaut” and “The Shakiest Gun in the West.” Knotts was a genius at nervous fright, giving his characters just enough good humor and spunk to win audiences over despite his twitchy tendencies.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Sigourney Weaver is one of the greatest movie action heroes of all time. Her work as Ripley in the “Alien” films shows an incredible range of bravery, anger, bitterness, resourcefulness, ambiguity and white-knuckle fear. Take this moment from “Alien3,” for instance.
JIMMY STEWART
They all, to a degree, owe a debt to Jimmy Stewart, whose career is filled with roles requiring him to be scared. Scared of heights (“Vertigo”). Scared of personal ruin (“It’s A Wonderful Life”). Scared of being gunned down in the street (“The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”). And he had a certain physical awkwardness, to boot. Yet we all trust his characters and believe they’ll do the right thing. That’s what made him a movie star.
So who did I leave out? Add your fearful heroes to The List!
We here at The Jimbo List are privy to any number of alternate worlds. On one of them, comedy auteur Jerry Lewis oversees every movie being made. It’s a peppy style of cinema, but it takes some getting used to. See what you think:
THE NUTTY AVENGER
THE DISORDERLY WAR HORSE
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA BOY
WHICH WAY TO THE MATRIX?
CINDERFELLAS
THE 80-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN
THE IRON LAYDEEE
DEAN MARTIN WEARS PRADA
SCHINDLER’S LOST
MEN IN BLEECCCH
TELETHON MAN
MILLION DOLLAR BOOBY
Needless to say, these were all a big hit in France. Add to The List!