By CATAdvanced Cash
You might find this hard to believe, but there are some sporting events that are too crazy even for the Olympics. So while you’re wading through countless hours of halfpipe this and bantam weight that, just be thankful you’re not watching THESE events:
POMMEL YAK
SPAMMER THROW
ILLEGAL DOWNLOAD MEDLEY
SYNCHRONIZED BLINKING
SNOOZE BUTTON JUMP
BONBONTHLON
NEIGHBOR’S POOL DASH
FREESTYLE TWEETING
MOVIE SPOILER RELAY
On your mark … get set … add to The List!
As we head into another edition of the Summer Olympics, here’s a List of Olympics-related film dramas and comedies to get us in the mood. No documentaries, though – the Games will provide all the reality we need for the next two weeks.
CHARIOTS OF FIRE (1981)
Let’s start with the gold medalist. While it’s debatable whether “Chariots of Fire” deserved its Oscar for Best Picture, the fact that it is a classic character study told with grace and dignity is undeniable. The film presents running in the 1924 Olympics as a matter of religious faith, personal struggle, patriotic duty and elite frolic, depending on the individual.
JIM THORPE — ALL-AMERICAN (1951)
This one is more of a tragedy. Burt Lancaster plays the great Jim Thorpe, who won gold medals in the pentathlon and decathlon at the 1912 Olympics, only to have the medals taken away because he’d been paid once to play summer baseball. In the 1980s, after his death, Thorpe’s medals were reinstated. This movie, in some of the action scenes, used actual footage of Thorpe.
DOWNHILL RACER (1969)
Now for a little Winter Olympics action, with plenty of star power. Robert Redford is excellent as an aloof, driven Olympic skier. What I like so much about “Downhill Racer” is the way it showcases the rivalries, politics and competitiveness among athletes and even coaches on the same team.
PERSONAL BEST (1982)
Mariel Hemingway stars in this drama set around the 1980 Olympic games. The story works on two fronts. First you have the various personal relationships involving women’s track and field athletes. Then you have the emotional aftermath of President Carter’s decision to boycott the 1980 games.
COOL RUNNINGS (1993)
Highly enjoyable, Disney version of the Jamaican bobsled team that took the Olympics – and the world – by storm in 1988. Far from being a documentary, it stars John Candy, Doug E. Doug and the always-charismatic Leon Robinson.
WALK DON’T RUN (1966)
The 1964 Summer Olympics in Tokyo is the backdrop for this old-fashioned romantic comedy. Cary Grant, in his final film role, plays matchmaker to speed walker Jim Hutton and Samantha Eggar. It’s very sweet.
WITHOUT LIMITS (1998)
“Without Limits” was one of two films in the 1990s to profile Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine, who ran in the 1972 Munich games. I prefer this one, which stars the fine actor Billy Crudup as Prefontaine and Donald Sutherland as his coach. As a side note, “Without Limits” also features the legendary runner Frank Shorter – although he doesn’t play himself (Jeremy Sisto plays Shorter).
MUNICH (2005)
I think this is one of Steven Spielberg’s great films. It starts with an extended recounting of the brutal terrorist attack at the 1972 Munich games and continues forward with a story of Israeli agents responding to the attack in the years that followed. Eric Bana and Daniel Craig star. The movie ends with a visual that some might find cliched, but I found to be among the most haunting I’ve ever seen.
MIRACLE (2004)
We finish on an inspirational note. “Miracle” gives us one of the truly joyous moments (for Americans) in sports, with the U.S. hockey team’s incredible run at the 1980 Winter Olympics. Kurt Russell is perfect as coach Herb Brooks.
Did I leave any good ones out? Add them to The List!
Now that the Rolling Stones have decided to do some 50th anniversary concerts this fall, it seems only fitting to adapt some classic rock and roll songs to the particular needs of senior citizens. See what you think.
IN A GADDA DA GEEZER
HEY! YOU! GET OFF MYLAWN
CATARACT SCRATCH FEVER
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DENTURES
WHO ARE YOU? NO, SERIOUSLY, WHO ARE YOU?
PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW SAG
SWEET NURSING HOME ALABAMA
A MUCH WHITER SHADE OF PALE
WON’T GET FOOLED (BY TELEMARKETERS) AGAIN
THE HOUSE OF THE RISING BLOOD PRESSURE
SLOOOW RIDE
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO TO DUANE READE
BROWN EYED GRANNY
I CAN’T SEE FOR MILES
BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE BIRD
Can you think of any others? Add to The List!
Some of the roughest customers in cinema have been surprisingly small in stature. From the earliest talkies to today’s 3D extravaganzas, they’ve used their moxie and personal magnetism to project a powerful screen presence. Here are my favorites.
ROBERT DUVALL
Duvall, one of the best actors in film history, has this way of strutting around like a banty rooster. Two examples: the insane American officer in “Apocalypse Now” who marches along a beach oblivious to the explosions going on around him; and the overbearing father in “The Great Santini,” who wreaks emotional havoc on his family.
BRUCE LEE
Even decades later, the action sequences in “Fists of Fury” and “Enter the Dragon” remain truly astonishing. Lee’s intensity and charisma are unrivaled in action films, and countless movies since have tried to copy his unique style.
JAMES CAGNEY
James Cagney was a bull terrier of an actor – a compact package full of charm and snarl. In pictures such as “White Heat” and “The Public Enemy,” he lit up the screen with an electric energy. I hear he could dance, too.
ADOLPH CAESAR
Caesar’s turn as a sadistic U.S. Army sergeant during World War II is an amazing bit of work. It is full of bitterness, frustration and power. The movie (and the play it is based upon) wouldn’t hold together if the audience didn’t feel threatened by little Caesar.
EDWARD G. ROBINSON
Speaking of “Little Caesar,” there’s the great Edward G. Robinson. Here’s a guy who isn’t big – isn’t even muscular – yet everyone is rightfully afraid of him. Robinson had a mug on him that could stop traffic, plus an imperious, dead-serious aura that made him oh-so-dangerous.
AL PACINO
Whether he was playing Tony Montana in “Scarface,” or Michael Corleone in “The Godfather,” Pacino’s eyes were always a window into a volcano of violence. He may not be tall, but his reputation as an icon of American movies looms quite large.
BEN KINGSLEY
Hang on now – what is this? Why is “Gandhi” on a list of Little Big Men of the movies? All I can say is, go and watch a dandy, 2000 British crime drama, “Sexy Beast.” Kingsley got an Oscar nomination as a deliciously brutal thug who wants his old crew to do one last job. He’s utterly convincing.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
Haley was dynamite as the psycho superhero, Rorschach, in “Watchmen.” But if you think about it, he’s been playing spunky fighters for years, going back to “Breaking Away” and even “The Bad News Bears.” There’s a fearless edge to his acting that takes him to some dark places.
JACKIE CHAN
He’s unlike anyone else on this List, in the sense that his persona is rather sunny. He brings a joy to his fight scenes that jumps out at you as much as the acrobatics. Yet even so, you come away very much aware that this is one tough dude.
BEN FOSTER
I loved Foster’s deranged gunslinger in the remake of “3:10 to Yuma.” His emotionally wounded soldier in “The Messenger” was even better. Though wildly different characters, both of them were capable of sudden violence at any moment.
JOE PESCI
No disrespect to Jimmy Cagney & Co., but Pesci has to be my No. 1 Little Big Man of movies. His Tommy DeVito in “GoodFellas” is a crazy gangster for the ages, and just about every guy I know has done that “Funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you?” riff multiple times among friends. Then you have “Casino,” “Raging Bull” and “My Cousin Vinny.” Great roles, and he made them look easy.
But that’s just me. Who are YOUR favorites?
Just because Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have announced their departure from “American Idol,” doesn’t mean they have to leave the TV scene completely. There are any number of shows where one or both would fit right in – with some minor adjustments.
JENNY FROM THE DOWNTON ABBEY
AEROSMITH’S GOT TALENT
SCARF BOSS
REAR FACTOR
THE BIGGEST LOSER: ROCK STAR EDITION
LOPEZ, LOPEZ & TYLER TONIGHT
CELEBRITY PLASTIC SURGERY: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
LOTS AND LOTS OF FRINGE
TWO AND A HALF MEDS
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN PRANCE?
KUDLOW & J.LO
That’s just for starters!
Here’s the thing about a great, cinematic right-hand man. He reassures the audience they’ve made a good choice the second he appears on the screen. It’s true even if he’s the bad guy’s right-hand man. Why? Because he’s the physical embodiment of loyalty. See what you think of this group.
WARD BOND
Truly, one of the great character actors of all time. My goodness, what a list of films: “The Searchers,” “Gone With the Wind,” “It’s A Wonderful Life,” “Mister Roberts,” “The Quiet Man,” “The Maltese Falcon,” “My Darling Clementine,” “The Grapes of Wrath,” “Sergeant York.” Come on! This was a tough guy with a sparkle in his eye that could light up Monument Valley. Yet he was forever the guy one horse over from the star – usually John Wayne or Henry Fonda.
VING RHAMES
It’s all deadpan brilliance from Mr. Rhames. Thanks to his take-no-guff glare, he’s able to draw your attention without even raising his voice. And when he gives a character a quirky spin, it’s dynamite. He was very high-profile as the right-hand man in the first “Mission: Impossible” films, but I preferred his turn in “Out of Sight” with George Clooney.
SAM ELLIOTT
A leading man in his own right, Elliott eventually took his majestic mustache and headed for right-hand man territory. His steely-eyed talents often were the best parts of movies such as “Road House” and “Ghost Rider,” or pure westerns such as “Tombstone.” Great voice and a unique sort of casual nobility.
JACK WARDEN
He never, ever seemed like he was acting. He played a variety of right-hand men: co-counsel in “The Verdict,” an editor in “All the President’s Men,” a loyal quarterback coach in “Heaven Can Wait.” His characters always knew full well how flawed their friends were, but remained true blue anyway.
RAY WINSTONE
There is a weariness that pervades Ray Winstone’s performances, elevating and deepening them dramatically. He combines the look of an old-time character actor with the inner turmoil of a modern Method master. Check out his work with Jack Nicholson in “The Departed.”
GEORGE KENNEDY
Here’s a case of an actor being so perfect he eventually turned into a parody of himself. Kennedy was the dude in the “Airport” movies – Joe Patroni – who was either helping clear an icy runway or pilot a plane in jeopardy. He later operated as Leslie Nielsen’s partner in the “Naked Gun” movies. Yet I’ll always remember him from “Cool Hand Luke,” as the brutal convict who comes to admire and befriend Paul Newman.
WOODY STRODE
What’s amazing about Woody Strode is how much impact he made in films where he often had little dialogue. He’d have been an action star in another era. Still, he was terrific in films such as “Spartacus,” “The Professionals” and “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.”
TOM SIZEMORE
Sizemore’s right-hand men operate within a moral universe all their own. That’s why his crook in “Heat” is just as convincing as his combat soldier in “Saving Private Ryan.” It’s not about right and wrong. It’s about following orders until your last breath.
DAVID MORSE
Morse is a versatile actor who fits into any number of roles, but when he’s in his right-hand man mode, he’s awesome. He plays them all business on the outside, but with an undercurrent of intelligence, empathy and humor. In “The Green Mile” and “The Rock,” when his character questions an order, you can see how much it pains him.
RICHARD JAECKEL
Jaeckel was the epitome of the right-hand man, blending into the background at the same time he kept the hero honest. That was never more true than in “The Dirty Dozen,” where he was the duty-bound MP surrounded by psychos on a combat mission behind enemy lines.
WILL PATTON
Patton does sort of an Everyman version of the right-hand man, and it’s highly effective. It’s a Southern, voice-of-reason approach. It worked very well in the action flick “Armageddon,” for instance. And Patton was remarkable in “Remember the Titans,” where he played a head football coach who is forced to become the right-hand man for Denzel Washington.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Morgan Freeman is the best right-hand man in the history of film. In “Million Dollar Baby,” “Unforgiven,” “Glory,” and “The Shawshank Redemption,” he’s riveting. At times he takes over those films. And he’s almost always doing it while shouldering the weight of the film’s larger message. He’s brains, brawn and conscience.
Now that’s a dependable dozen. Add to The List!
Sad to say, but summer has become a competitive sport. And like all sports, there are winners and there are losers. Here’s how you can tell if that annoying family up the block already has the edge on you.
THEY JUST PUT CENTRAL AIR IN THE TREEHOUSE
THEIR DEVILED EGG RECIPE AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD PICNIC CAME FROM BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE
LITTLE SEBASTIAN’S BASKETBALL CAMP GOT A LATE START BECAUSE LEBRON HAD TO FINISH THE PLAYOFFS
THEY INSIST THE SECOND TWO WEEKS OF VACATION ARE SO MUCH MORE RELAXED BECAUSE THEY AREN’T STRESSING ABOUT WORK AS MUCH THEY DID DURING THE FIRST TWO WEEKS
THEIR VINE-RIPENED TOMATOES ALREADY WON FIRST PRIZE IN THIS FALL’S COUNTY FAIR
GOT THEIR KIDS’ JULY 4TH SPARKLERS FROM THE GRUCCI BROS.
THEIR FLIP FLOPS ONLY FLIP
THEIR GAS GRILL HAS CRUISE CONTROL
FACEBOOK JUST TOLD THEM THEY NEVER HAVE TO SWITCH TO TIMELINE
Any others you come to mind? Add to The List!
With the passing of Andy Griffith earlier this week, it seems only fitting to devote a List to the best straight men and women in TV history. It’s such a delicate balance: being strong enough comedically to stand up to your zany co-stars, yet grounded enough for the audience to relate to you.
HAL LINDEN
BARNEY MILLER (1974-82)
At the center of one of my favorite shows, Linden’s compassionate cop, Barney Miller, presided over an absurd, smart, feisty circus of humanity. He was the moral compass, but with enough personal quirks to keep things interesting.
JASON BATEMAN
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (2003-06)
Bateman gave a virtuoso performance as the put-upon Michael Bluth in “Arrested Development.” His timing is fantastic, every episode, every line. Plus, he had some great scenes with Attorney Bob Loblaw.
EDDIE ALBERT
GREEN ACRES (1965-71)
Of course, no character was more put-upon than Oliver Wendell Douglas, played by Eddie Albert. This surreal sitcom about city folks living in the country had daffy Eva Gabor, sneaky Pat Butram and a brainy pig among the ensemble. And in the middle of it all was Albert, who gamely tried to regain control – but thankfully never did.
MARY TYLER MOORE
THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW (1970-77)
This one is a tough call, particularly since I’m not including Dick Van Dyke on this List. Mary’s character was incredibly funny in her own right, but I always felt she played it best when she was reacting to Lou, Ted, Rhoda, etc.
DAVE FOLEY
NEWSRADIO (1995-99)
Here was a terrific show that featured a great cast, with Foley as the straight-arrow guy running the radio station. He was witty, while being at his wit’s end. Not a bad game plan when your co-stars include Phil Hartman and Andy Dick.
DAN ROWAN
ROWAN & MARTIN’S LAUGH-IN (1967-73)
Dan Rowan had one job to do on “Laugh-In” and he did it exceedingly well. Amid all the groovy goings-on, with sketches coming and going at lightning speed, Rowan simply looked tan and dapper while cleanly setting up punchline after punchline. You can look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls. I dare you.
GEORGE BURNS
THE GEORGE BURNS AND GRACIE ALLEN SHOW (1950-58)
Although a lot of their material is now dated, it’s amazing how much of the Burns & Allen formula still works in today’s scripted TV comedies. Gracie had all the best lines, of course. But George was smooth as silk.
ROB MORROW
NORTHERN EXPOSURE (1990-95)
Rob Morrow sort of came out of nowhere as Joel, the New York City doctor stuck in a crazy Alaskan town. The concept burned itself out after a few years, but it was great while it lasted. Joel’s frustration kept the show on its toes.
ISABEL SANFORD
THE JEFFERSONS (1975-85)
It took a very strong personality to hold the screen with Sherman Hemsley as George Jefferson. Enter Isabel Sanford as Louise. By turns she would yell, plead, cajole and guilt trip George to keep pace. It was a classic sitcom combination.
GEORGE FENNEMAN
YOU BET YOUR LIFE (1950-61)
Fenneman is a unique figure in television history. As the announcer for the Groucho Marx quiz show, “You Bet Your Life,” he was verbally pummeled from here to Tuesday by one of the funniest human beings who ever lived. Groucho could be merciless, and George routinely was left speechless. Oddly enough, it made Fenneman all the more endearing.
JOHN KRASINSKI
THE OFFICE (2005-PRESENT)
As Jim Halpert, Krasinski carries his show’s “regular guy” role without the benefit of being the lead character. It’s a tricky thing to calibrate, but Krasinski has been all over it from the first episode. He gets his own jokes in, too.
BOB NEWHART
THE BOB NEWHART SHOW (1972-78)
How great was this dude as a straight man? Well, he often was HIS OWN straight man, in scenes on the phone. No one does a thoughtful stammer like Mr. Newhart. Perfection.
LINDA LAVIN
ALICE (1976-85)
This wasn’t Gilbert & Sullivan, but it was solid comedy. Lavin played things straight as working class mom Alice, adding a touch of drama here and an earthy zinger there. And she held her own around characters willing to shout “Kiss my grits!” at the drop of a hat.
ED McMAHON
THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JOHNNY CARSON (1962-92)
Gotta give it up to the most durable sidekick in talk show history. Ed was Carson’s Rock of Gibraltar: quick with a laugh, a comment or a helping hand. He was a joke target when need be, as well. And the show was never funnier than when Ed got in a funny line at Johnny’s expense.
BUDDY EBSEN
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES (1962-71)
Ebsen’s Jed Clampett had a way of seeming smart and not-so-smart at the same time. He never, ever veered out of character. One of his main responsibilities was to bear witness to the twin whirlwinds of Granny and Jethro, which he did with his trademark country squint.
DEAN MARTIN
THE DEAN MARTIN COMEDY HOUR (1965-74)
Dino went from being Jerry Lewis’ straight man in movies to being everybody’s straight man on television. He was superb at it. Effortlessly, he made singers, actors and comedians who came on his show look good. Here was a guy who was the butt of nearly every joke, yet he was clearly the coolest guy in the room.
DEMOND WILSON
SANFORD AND SON (1972-77)
Absolutely an unsung hero of TV sitcoms. Wilson was the all-too-human counterpoint to Redd Foxx, who gloriously chewed the scenery like it was a danish from the craft service table. Without Wilson, the show doesn’t work nearly as well.
LARRY HAGMAN
I DREAM OF JEANNIE (1965-70)
Looking back, maybe this wasn’t the most enlightened comedy premise in the world: an astronaut finds a bottle containing a beautiful genie who becomes his servant. But that’s not Hagman’s fault. He did every ridiculous facial contortion known to man during his years as Major Nelson, as if he knew most people would later know him as J.R. Ewing.
JOHNNY GALECKI
THE BIG BANG THEORY (2007-PRESENT)
He’s a nerd’s version of a straight man, but it still applies. Galecki expertly reels in audience sympathy while lobbing up softballs for Jim Parsons to knock out of the park. Well done, sir.
STEVE ALLEN
THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW (1956-60)
A TV pioneer, Steve Allen was a genius at conducting “interviews” with his stable of comic actors. They included Don Knotts, Louis Nye and Tom Poston. They’d show up as crazy characters and Allen would gently skewer them with puns and wry observations. David Letterman and Jon Stewart have been doing a version of this for years, but Allen got there first.
RON HOWARD
HAPPY DAYS (1974-84)
Though not a huge fan of “Happy Days,” I very much respected the way Ron Howard gave the show a likable, viable central character. I also admired the way he didn’t quit the show when the Fonzie character took over the world.
YVONNE DE CARLO
THE MUNSTERS (1964-66)
Yes, it is possible to be a great straight woman while dressed as a lady vampire. Despite her appearance, De Carlo basically played a suburban housewife dealing with a sarcastic father and a childish husband. They got most of the one-liners and she was the rational, head of the household.
JUDD HIRSCH
TAXI (1978-83)
Hirsch was the voice of reason on “Taxi.” Sometimes that meant giving a pep talk; sometimes it meant taking someone to task. Usually, it meant trying not to crack up while the likes of Danny DeVito and Andy Kaufman brought the funny.
FORREST TUCKER
F TROOP (1965-67)
Very little about “F Troop” made sense, except that it was disarmingly funny. Tucker played his Sgt. O’Rourke like he was the lead in “The Music Man,” which was exactly the right approach.
DICK YORK/DICK SARGENT
BEWITCHED (1964-72)
The wonderful duo of Darrins did their level best to hold their heads high, no matter what incantation or evil twin scenario they were up against. That’s what happens when you marry a witch with a big family.
BUD ABBOTT
THE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO SHOW (1952-53)
Abbott was a legendary straight man from the stage and the big screen, but he also qualifies for The List because of his popular, but brief TV series with the great Lou Costello. Abbott was like a professional hit man of comedy. He was sharp and he was confident and you almost never knew he was there.
ANDY GRIFFITH
THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW (1960-68)
Thank goodness for Andy Griffith. His show was heartbreaking, human and hilarious. At its best, it was as funny as any TV program before or since, and it did so with a firm belief that humor could come out of everyday life and common foibles.
Is it possible I’ve missed anyone? Add them to The List!
Here’s just what a patriotic public needs this Fourth of July. It’s a special, holiday List of Twitter messages our Founding Fathers would have sent – if they had the Internet and they weren’t so busy starting a new country.
@PAULREVERE, ONE=LAND, TWO=SEA?
FIRST IT WAS STARS, THEN IT WAS STRIPES. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, PEOPLE! #FLAGLADY
LOVED THE FIRST DRAFT, @TJEFF!
@GEORGEWASH IS THE MAYOR OF VALLEY FORGE #FOURSQUARE
HEY, @BENARNOLD, NOT COOL. #TURNCOAT
WHAT SOUNDS BETTER: DON’T TREAD ON ME OR DON’T TREAD ON MOI?
RT @THE REALBENFRANKLIN: REMEMBER, LADIES GET IN FREE 2NITE @ POOR RICHARD’S
I’LL BE LIVE BLOGGING TODAY’S TEA PARTY. CHECK IT OUT! #BEANTOWN
@LAFAYETTE, WE R HERE!
#FF @T-PAINE, @JIMBOMADISON, @ADAMSFAMILY, @THATHAMILTONGUY, @JPAULJONES, @BETSY76
#CORNWALLISFAIL
1CRACKED BELL, INDEPENDENCE HALL, PHILADELPHIA #SEECLICKFIX
@SAMADAMS I’LL BRING THE BEER
Happy Fourth of July, everyone. Freedom rocks.