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Questions You Won’t Hear at the Presidential Debate

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No offense to the fine journalists who prepare questions for the upcoming presidential debates, but many of us have pressing items that never seem to get addressed. Such as:

WHO IS THE BIGGER NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT, LINDSAY LOHAN OR HONEY BOO BOO’S MOM?

HOW LONG DID YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE SAYING MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD?

WHEN DO YOU THINK WE’LL HAVE ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION BETWEEN GUYS NAMED “MITT” AND “BARACK”?

FAVORITE JAMES BOND?

WHICH ONE OF YOUR CAMPAIGN PROMISES IS THE MOST ABSURD?

ARE YOU PREPARED TO GUARANTEE THAT YOU WON’T ONE-HOP THE BALL WHEN YOU THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH DURING BASEBALL SEASON NEXT YEAR?

WAS THE FINAL EPISODE OF “LOST” COMPELLING OR JUST LAME?

IF YOU COULD CHANGE “HAIL TO THE CHIEF” TO ANOTHER TUNE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE NEW YORK JETS?

WHICH ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IS MOST LIKE YOUR RUNNING MATE?

I guess we’ll just have to settle for policy and platitudes.

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