Another week, another new superhero flick. This week it’s Captain America, coming on the colorful heels of Thor, Green Lantern and more X-Men. But you know what? I’m in the mood for a different sort of superhero – one who relates more to today’s situations and concerns. For instance …
PASSWORD MAN – Saves the day when you can’t remember a login, username or password.
THE HAMMER OF HARMONY – Has the strength to pull feuding relatives together for the duration of a holiday dinner, wedding reception or family vacation.
CHATTER-EATER LAD – Devours all the mindless drivel coming at us from all directions and re-channels it for good.
PROFESSOR XXX – Telepathically persuades politicians, professional athletes and other egomaniacs not to take digital photographs of their genitals.
CAPTAIN PLAQUE – Can create unbreakable solid objects from the plaque build-up in his arteries.
DOCTOR FACEBOOK – Using his Tablet of Truth, he instantly reads and remembers every message, post, link, blog entry, tweet, poke and comment he encounters.
CAFFEINE LASS – Harnesses the manic power of coffee and soda into focused blasts of energy.
STINKEYE – Accidentally bitten by a radioactive old lady, this mild-mannered teen can now silence any loud cell phone talker or obnoxious movie theater patron with a single dirty look.
CAJUN KID – Understands what the hell James Carville is saying.
WONDERFUL WOMAN – No matter how sorely she’s tempted, she’ll never tell your buddies about the time you did that thing to the guy over at that place.
IRONY MAN – Can distinguish whether someone is being serious, sarcastic or just plain stupid in any form of digital communication.
JOHNNY HARDWARE – His Tool Shed of Solitude contains every item you want to borrow, including a roof rake, spark plug socket, universal cell phone charger and that ladder than folds out into a spare bedroom.
APOSTROPHE BOY – Corrects improper apostrophe usage without being a jerk about it.
THE MEERKAT – While driving his incredible Meerkatmobile, can stretch his neck high enough to see around SUVs with tinted windows in traffic.
Feel free to add a few more!