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Superheroes We Really Need

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Another week, another new superhero flick. This week it’s Captain America, coming on the colorful heels of Thor, Green Lantern and more X-Men. But you know what? I’m in the mood for a different sort of superhero – one who relates more to today’s situations and concerns. For instance …

PASSWORD MAN – Saves the day when you can’t remember a login, username or password.

THE HAMMER OF HARMONY –  Has the strength to pull feuding relatives together for the duration of a holiday dinner, wedding reception or family vacation.

CHATTER-EATER LAD – Devours all the mindless drivel coming at us from all directions and re-channels it for good.

PROFESSOR XXX – Telepathically persuades politicians, professional athletes and other egomaniacs not to take digital photographs of their genitals.

CAPTAIN PLAQUE – Can create unbreakable solid objects from the plaque build-up in his arteries.

DOCTOR FACEBOOK – Using his Tablet of Truth, he instantly reads and remembers every message, post, link, blog entry, tweet, poke and comment he encounters.

CAFFEINE LASS – Harnesses the manic power of coffee and soda into focused blasts of energy.

STINKEYE – Accidentally bitten by a radioactive old lady, this mild-mannered teen can now silence any loud cell phone talker or obnoxious movie theater patron with a single dirty look.

CAJUN KID – Understands what the hell James Carville is saying.

WONDERFUL WOMAN – No matter how sorely she’s tempted, she’ll never tell your buddies about the time you did that thing to the guy over at that place.

IRONY MAN – Can distinguish whether someone is being serious, sarcastic or just plain stupid in any form of digital communication.

JOHNNY HARDWARE – His Tool Shed of Solitude contains every item you want to borrow, including a roof rake, spark plug socket, universal cell phone charger and that ladder than folds out into a spare bedroom.

APOSTROPHE BOY – Corrects improper apostrophe usage without being a jerk about it.

THE MEERKAT – While driving his incredible Meerkatmobile, can stretch his neck high enough to see around SUVs with tinted windows in traffic.

Feel free to add a few more!

8 Responses »

  1. Oh my word I need password man

  2. By the way we have a roof rake you can borrow next year 😉

  3. I need Chatter Eater Lad and Caffeine Lass TODAY!

  4. My son invented Slow Man. He moves slower than everybody else. He tries to get there in time to save people, but he never does.
    I guess nobody really needs this one. Unless you want to feel superior to a Superhero.

  5. Jason, the Jargonaut. When your company is “looking for synergy on multiple platforms” or wants “knowledge managers” to “optimize deliverables,” Jason slaps ’em with a dictionary. His catchphrase is “Repurpose This.”


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