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More Things Superman Needs to Change

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You may have heard the news a while back that Clark Kent was quitting his job as a reporter at the Daily Planet. This comes on the heels of his recent decision to start dating Wonder Woman. But why stop there? If Superman is giving himself a makeover, he should go all the way. Here are a few more items I’d change.

Move the Fortress of Solitude – Listen, even your super-cold breath can’t keep the polar ice shelf from melting right now. That fortress is going to sink. Plus, even after all these years, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY CHAIRS OR A COUCH. If you want a place that gives you a lot of alone time, may I suggest part of the old Kodak plant in upstate New York? It’s plenty cold, with lots of snow – and digital photography will keep it empty for a while.

Get an Apartment in Brooklyn – You’ll feel right at home in Williamsburg, Mr. Kent. The normal street scene is like the alien cantina in “Star Wars.” As a bonus, you can set up the Bottle City of Kandor at an artisanal pickle shop.

Time for New Glasses – Once you’re all settled in, get yourself a pair of those thin, hipster eyeglasses. Tres trendy!

New Credo – Try this one on for size. “Faster than a viral video! More powerful than the profit motive! Able to leap to conclusions with a single fact!”

Bye-bye Phone Booth – Again, times have changed, Supes. Quick costume changes will have to happen at some new spot that’s on every corner. Perhaps underneath the creamer counter at Starbucks?

Just remember, Superman. You’re not getting older, you’re getting better.

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