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Tag Archives: food

Celebrity Breakfast Cereals

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breakfastcereals

You’ll be happy to know the staff here at The Jimbo List has come up with a great way to combine America’s love affair with cereal and its fixation on famous people: celebrity themed breakfast food! This wouldn’t be a mere endorsement. It would involve celebrities in the look, taste and texture of the product. Of course, it also would need a catchy name.

TOASTED LOHANS

RAY RICE KRISPIES

SNOOP LOOPS

HONEY BOO BOO BERRY

COCO CHANEL PUFFS

ALMOND PACINO’S

BIEBER BITS

TOM CRUISE SNAPS

TIGER’S EX CHEX

APPLE JACK NICHOLSONS

KORN FLAKES

DENNIS LEARY-O’S

SPECIAL KALEY CUOCO

VANILLA MORRISONS

AL FRANKEN BERRY

GOLDEN LINDSEY GRAHAMS

SEAN PENN POPS

FROSTED MINNIE DRIVER WHEATS

B.B. KING VITAMAN

RUSSELL CROWE CRUNCH

Eat your heart out, Kellogg’s!

New Frontiers in Boozy Food

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To those who question the direction of modern civilization, may I point out that we now have wine-infused ice cream? What a glorious thing! It leads one to ponder the future of new, boozy foods.

GINGER SCHNAPPS

CHAMPANKO SHRIMP

CRACKERJACK DANIELS

MRS. PAUL’S AMARETTO FISH STICKS

DOS EGGOS

SHREDDED WHEAT BEER

THUNDERBIRDSEYE FROZEN PEAS

SINGLE-MALTED MILK BALLS

RUM & COCOA PUFFS

MOUNTAIN DEWARS

SWISS CHARDONNAY

JOHNNY WALKER REDDIWHIP

There’s a two-entree minimum.

Worst Halloween Candies Ever

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The staff here at The Jimbo List has been trying to figure out what could possibly be worse than having a “Frankenstorm” throw a big, wet blanket over Halloween. Nothing comes to mind except this – a list of the absolute Worst. Candy. Ever.

BIT O’ MONKEY

SCARBURSTS

GUMMY WARTS

GOOD ‘N’ PHLEGMY

MURKY WAYS

FISH DUDS

FLEA CIRCUS PEANUTS

GEESE’S PIECES

SPITTLES

FLOUR PATCH KIDS

DISHWATER TAFFY

SMALLER PAYDAY

Happy Halloween!

Rejected IHOP Pancake Flavors

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The Jimbo List has long been a big fan of the tasty goodness of pancakes, in all their various incarnations. Well, maybe not all incarnations. Here are some pancake flavors that didn’t quite make it past the testing phase.

GERBER BABYCAKES WITH STRAINED PEAS

AMERICAN CHOP SUEYCAKES

KENTUCKY BLUEGRASS WITH BOURBON SIPPIN’ SYRUP

PENNSYLVANIA SCRAPPLE

ELECTION LOSER CAKES STUFFED WITH SOUR GRAPES

MOO GOO GAI PANCAKES

CARIBOU CHIP

ELTON JOHNNYCAKES

RAZORBACK STACKS SPRINKLED WITH PORK RINDS

CHICAGO DEEPDISH WITH POLISH SAUSAGE

ESCARGOT FLAPJACKS

Actually, the Kentucky Bluegrass pancakes might just work…

Things to Say When You Find a Body Part in Your Fast Food

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In the interests of neighborliness and civic harmony, we here at The Jimbo List want everyone to be prepared with a quip in all circumstances. That includes those times when you discover something extra in your fast food purchase. Feel free to use these:

HEY, THERE’S PART OF A DUDE IN MY FOOD!

WHO ORDERED THE McKNUCKLE?

APPARENTLY, THEY’RE USING REAL TOES IN THE BURRITOS

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO ORDER THE FOOT-LONG

ONE WHOPPER, HOLD THE PINKY

THIS FILET O’ FISH NEEDS A MANICURE

MY ONION RINGS ARE GIVING ME A THUMBS-UP

I THOUGHT WENDY WAS A REDHEAD

Happy dining! And as always – add to The List!

7 Foods With Better Names Than They Deserve

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The Jimbo List has noticed that certain foods seem to have better publicity machinery behind them than others. For one thing, they’ve hit the name jackpot – getting tagged with much more appetizing names than they merit. It happens up and down the tastiness scale, from yummy to yecch. For example:

FLORENTINE

By any measure, Florentine is a beautiful, beautiful word. It has style and elegance. It flows off the tongue. It … is spinach. Come on, now! I enjoy spinach as much as the next guy, but calling it Florentine when you add it to chicken should be an actionable offense.

SWEETBREADS

Sorry to get all Seinfeldian here, but sweetbreads aren’t sweet and they sure as hell aren’t bread. Unless, of course, you like to spread peanut butter and jelly between two slices of a lamb’s pancreas. Sweetbreads, those yucky innards of calves or lambs, stand as possibly the most misleading culinary name of all time.

RED DELICIOUS APPLES

I would contend that this entry in the pantheon of apples has not had to earn its own way. While all of your Galas, Empires and McIntoshes have had to scrape and scratch for every admirer, the Red Delicious sits back and lets its name do all the heavy lifting. This, from an apple that turns to mush if left unattended long enough to answer a text.

RED BLISS POTATOES

Might as well deal with this other “Red.” I happen to be a fan of the Red Bliss Potato, but is it honestly any more worthy of “bliss” than a Yukon Gold or a trustworthy Russet? I think not.

WELSH RAREBIT

Also called Welsh Rabbit, I have a sneaking suspicion that people are so pleased it’s not made with actual rabbit that they’re willing to put up with the insanely fanciful name. I mean, we’re really only talking here about a grilled cheese sandwich that went rogue.

HUSH PUPPIES

Sorry, the name is simply too cute. By rights, a “Hush Puppy” should be something that is covered in powdered sugar, with a prize inside. Instead, it’s a cornbread ball… a delectable, warm, cornbread ball.

TRUFFLES

Once the U.S. Supreme Court sorts out national healthcare, I really think it needs to do something about Truffles. Here we have a mouth watering word that means one of two things: a decadent chocolate treat or a misshapen bit of fungus growing in damp darkness. I know which one I want to see the waiter bring to my table, and it’s not the fungus.

Obviously, your tastes may be different. What are some food names you find vexing?

Food Gimmicks Golden Corral Hasn’t Thought of Yet

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Golden Corral’s recent addition of the Chocolate Wonderfall – a giant fountain of flowing chocolate, into which patrons can stick skewers of fruit and such – got The Jimbo List thinking. What other sorts of decadent food indulgences are in need of a fancy gimmick? Turns out there are more than a few:

CASCADING ALFREDO

THE DRAWN BUTTERFALL

CARBONARA LAGOON

FOUNTAINS OF HOLLANDAISE

BLUE CHEESE JUNCTION

THE GRAVY TRAIN

MT. TAPIOCA

RIVER OF RANCH DRESSING

THE MAYONNAISE CANNON

BACON DROP ZONE

SHOWER OF MILKSHAKES

Great. Now I’m seriously hungry.

Worst School Lunch Items. Ever.

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Hold onto your plastic food trays, friends – it’s National School Lunch Week! Time to kick back, take a moment and savor those memories of salisbury steaks, carrot sticks and milk cartons that refused to open cleanly. And when you’re done with that, consider how lucky you were not to experience any of these:

DISSECTION OF THE DAY

MASCOT KABOBS

OPEN-FACED PETRI DISH

CHEWING GUM GUMBO

LONELY GYM TEACHER’S CHOICE

GRISTLE LOAF

LOCKER FONDUE

SPAGHETTI AND SPITBALLS

FAKE FIRE ALARM CHILI

CHEM LAB MEDLEY

SNOT POCKETS

NITRATE SURPRISE

ASPARAGUS MOLD

THREE-BEAN SALAD – LIMAS, LIMAS AND LIMAS

Bon appetit!