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The Muppet Show – Rebooted

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muppets

Well, it seems “The Muppet Show” is returning to the small screen. The honchos at ABC recently gave the OK for an updated version of the classic, 1970s-era variety show. All we know so far is that it will have a fake documentary style, like “The Office.” With that in mind, here are some suggestions for updated characters:

THE SEXTING CHEF

KERMIT THE DRONE

STATLER AND AIRBNB

GONZO THE GR8

SELFIE BEAR

DR. BUNSEN PHOTOBOMB

RETWEETUMS

FREE RANGE ANIMAL

They wouldn’t dare update Miss Piggy.

A Dozen Great “Greens”

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In honor of the new Green Lantern movie, here’s a tip of the cap to 12 people, places and things as cool as their emerald hue. Red and blue may get most of the attention, black may be more sophisticated and green itself may have had its name co-opted by the environmental movement, but these 12 are evergreens.

JOLLY GREEN GIANT

Aside from Mr. Clean, what fictional product spokesman is as ominously cool as the J.G. Giant? He barely speaks, we mainly only see his hands, AND we were willing to buy corn from him for years that didn’t even look like real corn!

MOE GREEN

For those unfamiliar with “The Godfather,” Moe is a Vegas casino owner who unwisely rebuffs Michael Corleone’s business offer. Not a week goes by among my circle of friends without at least one Moe Green reference. It’s great shorthand for misplaced indignation. Poor Moe.

NEW HAVEN GREEN

There are centuries of history here, but that’s not why I love the Green. I’ve sat here on a blanket with my wife and listened to music; started and finished road races; met friends for bike rides; strolled past before dinners and after bar hopping; attended more rallies than I can count. Life happens on this Green.

GREEN ONIONS

God bless Booker T & the MGs, and that Hammond organ.

HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY

John Ford’s 1941 film is wonderful, but Richard Llewellyn’s book is a rich, soulful look at family, fate, love and hard work in a coal mining village in Wales. I’m a sucker for that stuff.

SETH GREEN

So jealous of this kid. Not only is he part of “Family Guy” and “Robot Chicken,” but he’s been in some of my favorite “Austin Powers” scenes.

GREEN LANTERN

Don’t know if the new movie is any good, but the Hal Jordan of the 1960s and ’70s was super good. I always got a kick out of the fact that he could manifest near-limitless energy into anything he wanted, and he often chose a huge, green boxing glove. Dumb as it sounds, that’s EXACTLY what most guys would do.

THE BIG GREEN MONSTER

I don’t have a horse in the whole Yankees-Red Sox rivalry, being a National League guy, but I have a healthy respect for any ballpark willing to replicate the exciting ricochets my friends and I experienced playing Wiffle Ball next to my parents’ house. There always has to be a Fenway Park.

SYDNEY GREENSTREET

Before there was the Kingpin, before there was Jabba the Hutt, there was Sydney Greenstreet. His voice was like molasses poured on sandpaper. Here’s a scene from a relatively minor work, 1948’s “The Woman in White.”

WINNING THE GREEN JACKET AT THE MASTERS

It’s the ugliest jacket everyone wants to have. I can’t think of a better way to honor it than to show the finish of the 1986 Masters.

SOYLENT GREEN

I forget – what is Soylent Green, again?

IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN

Not easy at all; not easy at all.