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Classic Bands Rebooted – Part Two

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recordalbums

It seems there is no end to the list of bands and singers in immediate need of renaming. Luckily, a few of those performers are about to get a free upgrade.

LIMP FITBIT

MY CHEMICAL BROMANCE

OK GOPRO

ZZ PODCAST

DEATH UBER FOR CUTIE

ARCADE DROUGHT

THE SMASHING CRONUTS

JAZZY JEFF AND THE ORGANIC PRINCE

TINDERLAND

REO SPEED TESLA

RAGE AGAINST THE SELFIE STICK

JOAN DRONE

NEW KALE ON THE BLOCK

AIR BNB SUPPLY

3D PRINTED DOG NIGHT

ROBOCALL OUT BOY

BINGE WATCH TV ON THE RADIO

Let the world tours begin!

Singer Names That Are Just Sick

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singingwithacold

Being a sick singer can mean one of two things. Either the cool kids think you’re so talented that you’re sick, or you’re a vocalist in need of medical treatment. Here are some instances of the latter.

SKEEVY WONDER

EWWIE LEWIS & THE NEWS

BLISTA RHYMES

WOO-Z

YUCKO ONO

RASHFORD AND SIMPSON

OW WOW

LICE GIRLS

NAUSEOUS BY NATURE

BLEECHH SABBATH

BLEARY MANILOW

MC REEK

PEACHES AND ERP

CHAKA CONGESTED

Come to think of it, I’m feeling a little verklempt myself.

Superfluous Singers in Movies

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glencampbellduke

For some reason, a lot of movie folks believe a good way to bring people into the theater is to plop a famous singer into the proceedings. Sometimes this works out quite well, such as when Barbra Streisand stars in “Funny Girl,” or when Justin Timberlake appears in “The Social Network.” But often it stinks.

TAYLOR SWIFT IN “VALENTINE’S DAY”

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In a film overcrowded with actors trying to work out various romantic entanglements, Swift’s contribution is exactly nil. Her subplot involves another acting lightweight (who doesn’t have a singing and songwriting career to fall back on), Taylor Lautner.

TRINI LOPEZ IN “THE DIRTY DOZEN”

trinilopezdirtydozen

This didn’t work on any level. Lopez, a nice, amiable guy, was cast as part of a rotten, violent crew of deranged soldiers on a suicide mission. And then, he didn’t really have anything to do during the movie. His acting wasn’t anything to write home about either. He made Clint Walker look like Olivier.

BEYONCE IN “AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER”

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The great singer Beyonce isn’t a particularly good actress, but in all honesty, she wasn’t given much help in this comedy by the ever-inventive Mike Myers. Her dialogue was wretched and there was absolutely no attempt to create chemistry with Myers. I suspect Dr. Evil had a hand in it.

JAMES TAYLOR IN “TWO LANE BLACKTOP”

jamestaylortwolaneblacktop

“Two Lane Blacktop” has a legion of fans, and I understand why. Its atmospherics and vibe are uniquely compelling. It suits its early 1970s era. But I would argue that it would have worked just as well or better without Taylor (or co-star Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys). The dialogue was minimal and the characters had a laconic, empty feel to them. I know, I know – that was the point. Still, you didn’t need pop stars to accomplish it.

SNOOP LION IN “STARSKY & HUTCH”

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Aside from having Snoop wear some truly hilarious 1970s clothing, “Starsky & Hutch” didn’t give the illustrious rapper a reason to shine. I thought his TV commercials with Lee Iacocca were a lot funnier – and more intelligent.

JESSICA SIMPSON IN “THE DUKES OF HAZZARD”

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Admittedly, you’re not going to get new insights into the human condition by playing sexy Daisy Dukes. But it’s possible to at least be funny or knowingly sarcastic. Poor Jessica Simpson didn’t really have the chops to do either.

BOB DYLAN IN “PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID”

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In a way, this was a perfect situation for Dylan to do some screen acting. Think about it. A 1970s, counter-culture take on the Old West almost requires a mumbling, awkward, self-conscious performance. Mission accomplished.

PHIL COLLINS IN “HOOK”

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Collins has had some stage training, so it’s not quite so unusual to see him in a movie. The odd thing is this particular role. It’s just a cameo, and a distracting one at that. Making it even worse is that “Hook” requires some attention to detail in order to follow the liberties taken with the Peter Pan story. The last thing viewers need is to be scratching their heads thinking, “What the hell is Phil Collins doing here?”

BOBBY VINTON IN “THE TRAIN ROBBERS”

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A person who watches “The Train Robbers” would be hard-pressed to say much about Bobby Vinton’s performance. It’s non-existent! Even worse, his scenes look as if an extra mistakenly walked onto the set after a smoke break.

TOM PETTY IN “THE POSTMAN”

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The cool thing about Petty here is he seems to understand how utterly weird it is to find him in a major motion picture. The bad thing is that we know it, too. If there’s a saving grace, it’s that “The Postman,” a post-apocalyptic fable starring Kevin Costner, is so downright goofy we sort of appreciate the nutty casting.

ASHANTI IN “JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE”

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Even a bitter, sarcastic teen movie needs a little acting to keep people interested. Ashanti tries her best, but it’s still painful to watch.

GLEN CAMPBELL IN “TRUE GRIT”

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Mr. Campbell, a singer whose voice I’ve always liked, remains the sentimental favorite in this category even after all these years. He often joked that his bad acting in “True Grit” was what enabled John Wayne to finally win an Oscar. He may have been right. Campbell’s line readings as a cocky Texas ranger have a certain William Shatner-like quality in their weirdness.

I’m sure there are plenty of good examples I’ve left out. Feel free to suggest more!

Music Festivals No One Wants to See

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The Jimbo List understands it’s never too early to make your summer music festival plans. After all, that perfect sunglasses-and-sandals combo isn’t just going to find itself, am I right? It’s also important to know which festivals to avoid. But never fear. Here is a handy List of events you’d do well to skip.

POUGHKEEPSIEPALOOZA

LIVE ACHE

KAMIKAZECON

ABUSIVE COACHELLA

SYRIAROO

CONCERT FOR A FREE BOCA RATON

GWYNETH FAIR

DRIFTWOODSTOCK

ANTFARM AID

And please remember: Don’t take the brown acid.

Baby’s First iPod Playlist

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In this era of personal branding and endless accessorizing, I think babies should have their own versions of classic songs. It might be just the thing to revitalize the music industry. Same great songs, different point of view. I’ve got your first playlist right here.

SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL OVER

PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW DIAPER BAG

WAAH THIS WAY

TAKE THIS NAP AND SHOVE IT

I GOT YOU, BEAR

TIMEOUT IN A BOTTLE

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGHCHAIR

LEADER OF THE PACK ‘N PLAY

CRYING IN THE CHAPEL, THE BANK, THE GROCERY STORE…

CALIFORNIA TEETHIN’

WHAT’S GOING ON (IN THAT CAR SEAT)

BE MY BINKIE

UMBRELLA STROLLER

FREE BURP

CRIB OVER TROUBLED WATER

HOUSE OF THE RISING SON

YOU CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

I smell a winner!

Popeye Sings The Hits of Yesterday and Today

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Here’s an idea that’s perfect for this age of branding and synergy. Take an iconic cartoon hero – Popeye – and unleash his distinctive voice and phrasings on some of the biggest pop hits of the past 50 years. What could go wrong? Consider these tracks:

I KISSED A GOYL

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPINACH

GOOD VIBRAYSHKINS

I LEFT ME HAT IN SAN FRANCISCO

WELL, BLOW ME DOWNTOWN

SAVE THE LAST CAN FOR ME

WHAT I YAM

HOUND DOG-GOG-GOG

WE ARE THE WOYLD

I ONLY HAVE EYE FOR YOU

THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD WIMPY DOWN

BEYOND THE SEA HAG

I’VE GOT YOU UNDER ME SKIN

If this works, we move on to Elmer Fudd (“Hit The Woad, Jack”). In the meantime, feel free to add to The List!

Band Names For Politicians

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Slogans are great, but nothing connects a politician to the electorate like music. We’ve already seen Barack Obama and Mitt Romney sing for the camera this year, and Bill Clinton got tons of mileage for playing his saxophone on TV years ago. I think political figures should drop the pretense and just start forming their own bands. Here are a few to get us start

IT TAKES A VILLAGE PEOPLE – Hillary Clinton

BWAH-HA MEN – Dick Cheney

ZZ GAFFE – Joe Biden

EARTH, WIND AND CRIER – John Boehner

NON-BLINK 47 – Nancy Pelosi

AVERAGE WHITE BLAND – Tim Pawlenty

OBAMARAMA – Barack Obama

MITT THE HOOPLE – Mitt Romney

CREEDENCE WHITEWATER REVIVAL – Bill Clinton

DEATH PANELS FOR CUTIE – Sarah Palin

OLDPLAY – Harry Reid

24 HOUR TEA PARTY PEOPLE – Michele Bachmann

You have to admit, it would make the Democratic and Republican National Conventions a lot more interesting.

Rock Songs for Seniors

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Now that the Rolling Stones have decided to do some 50th anniversary concerts this fall, it seems only fitting to adapt some classic rock and roll songs to the particular needs of senior citizens. See what you think.

IN A GADDA DA GEEZER

HEY! YOU! GET OFF MYLAWN

CATARACT SCRATCH FEVER

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DENTURES

WHO ARE YOU? NO, SERIOUSLY, WHO ARE YOU?

PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW SAG

SWEET NURSING HOME ALABAMA

A MUCH WHITER SHADE OF PALE

WON’T GET FOOLED (BY TELEMARKETERS) AGAIN

THE HOUSE OF THE RISING BLOOD PRESSURE

SLOOOW RIDE

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO TO DUANE READE

BROWN EYED GRANNY

I CAN’T SEE FOR MILES

BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE BIRD

Can you think of any others? Add to The List!

Sinatra Duets I Would Have Loved

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God knows, Ol’ Blue Eyes loved his duets. He had great success with them, especially at the end of his wonderful career. But there were a few he never got around to recording. Imagine this album:

THE LADY IS A SUPERTRAMP (with Supertramp)

IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR OF THE CAT (with Al Stewart)

ONE FOR MY BABY, BABY, BABY (with Justin Bieber)

SUPERFLY ME TO THE MOON (with Curtis Mayfield)

MY KIND OF FUNKYTOWN (with Lipps Inc.)

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH HOPES (with John Denver)

WALK MY WAY (with Aerosmith)

SEND IN THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE (with Insane Clown Posse)

LUCK BE A LADY MARMALADE (with Labelle)

ENDLESS LOVE AND MARRIAGE (with Lionel Richie & Diana Ross)

THAT’S LIFE IN THE FAST LANE (with the Eagles)

BLOWIN’ IN THE SUMMER WIND (with Bob Dylan)

I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY RHINO SKIN (with Tom Petty)

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCIN’ SO YOUNG (with Leo Sayer)

DA DOO-BE-DOO-BE-DOO RON RON (with The Crystals)

Ring-a-ding-ding, everyone.

A Beatles Playlist for Lord of the Rings

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Department of Pop Culture Worlds Colliding: Did you know that many years ago, the Beatles wanted to star in a movie version of “The Lord of the Rings” books? And that said film would be directed by Stanley Kubrick? With John Lennon as Gollum? I can only imagine what the soundtrack’s playlist would look like:

I WANT TO HOLD THE PRECIOUS

NORWEGIAN ORCS

SAURON IN THE SKY WITH EYEBALL

I AM THE BALROG

UNCLE ELROND

THE BALLAD OF SAM AND FRODO

GOL-LEM-DI, GOL-LEM-DA

A DAY IN THE SHIRE

TRINKET TO HIDE

AXMAN

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY ENTS

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD TO MORDOR

This has been your daily Nerd Alert.