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Tag Archives: technology

9 Things College Kids Should Explain to Their Parents

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collegestudents

Ah, graduation season. It’s a time for young men and women to tie a ribbon on all their years of education and launch themselves into the waiting world. Before they do so, they really need to sit their parents down and explain a few things.

PHOTOBOMBING WILL NOT GET YOU ON A TERRORIST WATCH LIST

MEMES ARE FUNNY; MIMES ARE NOT

STEAMPUNK DOES NOT REFER TO THE KID WHO WORKS AT THE DRY CLEANERS

CDs ARE NEVER COMING BACK

3D PRINTING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE EYEGLASSES YOU PAY EXTRA FOR AT THE MOVIES

THE PROPER PRONUNCIATION OF SNAPCHAT

HOW TO TELL MICHAEL CERA AND JESSE EISENBERG APART

GARLIC POTATOES AND GNARLS BARKLEY ARE BOTH MASHABLE

DESPITE WHAT AUNT MILLIE SAYS, FLANNEL SHIRTS AND BUSHY BEARDS ARE A GOOD LOOK

Be gentle, kids.

Critics’ Tweets, Through the Ages

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criticstweets

We all know that critics sometimes get things wrong, but until recently we didn’t have to see those ill-conceived reviews shoved in our face all the time. Thanks, social media! Here’s a look at how things might have been if Twitter existed centuries ago.

STILL WAITING FOR #GODOT … WTF?

GIVE ME #SALIERI > THE MOZART KID ANY DAY. #FLASHINTHEPAN

2 SUGGESTIONS, @UNCLEWALTDISNEY: LOWER HIS VOICE & MAKE HIM A MOOSE. #MICKEYMOOSE

A LIVELIER SUBJECT MIGHT HAVE HELPED. #MONALISA @DAVINCI

#JAILHOUSEROCK? MEH. CAN’T @ELVISHASLEFTTHEBUILDING JUST STAND STILL AND SING? ALSO, WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIS LIP?

THIS @JWILKESBOOTH SHOWS REAL PROMISE. #YOUNGTHESPIANSTOWATCH

FRANKLY, IT PUT ME TO SLEEP. #RIPVANWINKLE

WORST. VOICE. EVER. @THEREALBOBDYLAN

NOT ENOUGH WHALE – CALL ME WHEN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS, ISHMAEL. #MOBYDICK

ROMEO + JULIET = YAWN. @WILLSHAKES

#PSYCHO? ALL SHOCK, NO SUBSTANCE. LOVE @HITCH, BUT WHO WILL REMEMBER THAT SHOWER SCENE A YEAR FROM NOW?

 You get the idea. Give it a try – add to The List!

 

 

5 Mysteries of the Modern World

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checkenginelight

This is an amazing time to be a middle-aged list maker. Around every corner, there are wondrous, vexing, inexplicable things to be seen. And I don’t understand them even a little bit.

FACETIME

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My phone rang the other day and when I answered it, I was staring into the eyes of the sweetest 2-year-old you can imagine. She proceeded to show me a series of items around her living room and tell me details of her very momentous day. And this was normal, to be able to see each other as we talked on the phone. I’m sorry, but how are we not jumping up and down and slapping our heads in wonder at the fact that our iPhones are superior to Captain Kirk’s communicator? I don’t have a clue how the thing works, either. Do you?

THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT

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Sure, I could rattle off some of the reasons why the dreaded “Check Engine” light comes on, things such as faulty oxygen sensors and cracked gas caps, but I’d be kidding myself. For me, the Check Engine light has a mystical, almost religious connotation. You know how some mathematicians say they experience God by calculating pi? That’s how I feel about the Check Engine light. Sometimes it goes all Old Testament on me, coming on just to show me who’s boss; other times, it’s more New Testament, going off just long enough for me to pass emissions. It’s unknowable.

MOVIE POPCORN

popcorn

Hello, people from 1943. Sit down for this, it’s a doozy. Far in the future, folks are going to walk into their local movie theater and pay – get this – $6 and $7 for about a dime’s worth of popcorn! They won’t even get any butter for it. The kid at the concession counter will pour a bit of oily, greasy glop on it. What’s that you say? Yes. Betty Grable did have nice gams.

DIGITAL DELETIONS & SONGS FROM THE CLOUD

deletebutton

The technology gods give and they take away. That’s what I’ve come to understand. Thanks to the Cloud, my wife and I can’t seem to get rid of the song “Beer Barrel Polka,” that we downloaded for my dad some years back. Every time we think we’ve deleted it, it finds a way to come back. On the flipside, that amazing essay full of insights into the human condition I jotted down a couple of weeks ago? Gone forever.

GOLDEN OREOS

goldenoreos

How is it possible I’ve been able to live this long without Golden Oreos? True, there have been other vanilla cookies filled with creme, but they didn’t have the distinctive look and mojo of an Oreo. And that’s the mystery. How can a cookie be this bewitching?

I’ll bet you have a few modern mysteries in your life, too. Go ahead. Add to The List!

 

 

Questions Facebook SHOULD Be Asking

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A lot of people seem peeved about the new questions Facebook is asking in the “Update Status” box. My theory is, we might not be so upset if Facebook were asking better questions. Questions that actually relate to what’s going through our minds. Try these on for size.

What are you playing at?

Can you trust a person who says “toasted cheese sandwich” rather than “grilled cheese”?

Does Bruno Mars really think he’ll ever have to fall on a grenade for love?

Why didn’t Batman just smash Bane’s mask right away?

Have you no shame?

Weren’t you supposed to schedule your colonoscopy?

One scoop, or two?

How were the people in “Beasts of the Southern Wild” able to keep their beer cold?

Why would any sane person bring glitter into their home?

And the Emmy goes to … Honey Boo Boo?

What would Congress do?

Feel free to add a few of your own!

Secret Features of the iPhone 5

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Pretty much everybody knows about the launch of the iPhone 5 this week. What they may not know about are some very special features – kept secret until now.

IT HAS A PEZ DISPENSER

KNOWS WHO KILLED JFK

WILL TELL YOU IF THE CALL YOU’RE ABOUT TO MAKE IS A BAD IDEA

EMITS PLAY-DOH SMELL

AUTOMATICALLY BLOCKS CALLS FROM HEYWOOD JABLOME AND I.P. FREELY

CHANGES COLORS TO MATCH YOUR OUTFIT

IT SEES DEAD PEOPLE

CAN BE USED AS A LIE DETECTOR

TELLS YOU WHICH ITEMS IN YOUR WARDROBE WILL EMBARRASS YOU THE MOST IN PHOTOS 10 YEARS FROM NOW

CAN EXPLAIN THE POPULARITY OF HONEY BOO BOO

Just wait until the iPhone 6 comes out next month!

Baseball Teams for a Digital Age

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With the baseball season officially starting this week (the Seattle Mariners and Oakland Athletics in Japan), now is an excellent opportunity to envision a more digitally-enhanced version of the American pastime:

TAMPA BAY DATA RAYS

PINTEREST PIRATES

MINNESOTA CLICKS

SILICON VALLEY GIANTS

TEXAS TWEETS

CHICAGO NO-SOX

TORONTO TWITTER MONKEYS

AMAZON ANGELS

NEW YORK METRICS

CINCINNATI NERDS

MICROSOFT DODGERS

SAN DIEGO iPADRES

BALTIMORE BLOGGERS

ATLANTA HACKTIVISTS

CLEVELAND CLOUDS

Let’s play 2.0!

Spam Madness

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Hideous as they are, spam messages that find their way to The Jimbo List sometimes catch my eye. I delete them of course, but not before jotting them down for future reference. Take a look.

“Thanks for keeping the net classy for a change…Please thanks because devoid of the internet is definitely with a lack of intelligence.”

“Stay up the great paintings!”

“You are my breathing in.”

“It’s like men and women don’t seem to be fascinated unless it is something to do with Girl gaga!”

“I’m gonna be careful for brussels.”

“Any news about a defector’s mystical disappearance?”

“You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out the entire thing with no need side effect, other folks could take a signal.”

“I do not even know how I stopped up right here, however I believed this post was once great.”

“Its such as you read my thoughts! You appear to understand so much about this, such as you wrote the e-book in it or something.”

Well said, blog spammers, well said. Feel free to add any good ones you’ve seen. In the meantime,  I’ve got to go back and keep the Internet classy.

9 Rejected Social Media Sites

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You may find this hard to believe, but not every social media site finds a following. In fact, some are so bad they don’t even make it past the first pitch meeting at an artisanal cheese shop in Brooklyn. Here’s what I mean:

BUMBLR – The primo social media destination for middle-aged guys who think Stella Artois is a girl they knew in grammar school.

HIDDIT – Each time you log in, a different feature on the site is intentionally hidden from reach.

WINKEDIN – Business networking for people who “know a guy who knows a guy” who can get you a job interview.

SPOTIFY – Spotty the dalmatian is the logo symbol for this social media site that prides itself on making service available only in hipster spots such as vegan hookah lounges in the warehouse district.

TREKNORATI – Every post and photo contains a reference to “Star Trek.” (See also: SHREKNORATI)

SNOOKSTER – Site devoted entirely to the breakout star of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”

DIVEJOURNAL – Interactive stream of sports pages pinned up over urinals at seedy taverns.

STUMBLEOVER – Requires a crazy-high blood alcohol content to log in.

CAFEDAD – The last word in photos, videos and chat about dad-related subjects, such as which route you’re planning to take during the drive home for Thanksgiving.

See what you’re missing? Feel free to add your own!

21st Century Frights

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It’s that time of year when people go out of their way for a good scare. Just look at all the spooky hayrides and haunted houses. But if you think about it, there’s plenty of stuff in daily life to frighten us all the way to next Halloween. They simply need some catchy names, such as:

NIGHT OF THE EVIL GPS

TEXT MESSAGE OF TERROR

THE DOOMED HARD DRIVE

CREATURE FROM THE PLASTIC SURGEON’S OFFICE

GHOST OF THE ABANDONED VIDEO STORE

SATAN’S CHOLESTEROL TEST

INVASION OF THE VIRAL VIDEO

THE DEAD BLACKBERRY

CURSE OF THE ZOMBIE ‘FRIEND’ REQUEST

AUTOCORRECT HELL

NIGHTMARE AT THE MOBIL STATION

THE SURLY BARISTA’S REVENGE

I WAS A TEENAGE I.T. GUY

Do you dare to think of any others?

9 Facebook Changes We Never Want to See

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People are still fuming about the recent changes to Facebook, but it could have been a lot worse. Here are some new features and changes we really would have hated.

SQUIRMVILLE – Friends, relatives and co-workers pay a fee to rummage through your old posts about them.

POKES PLUS – When someone pokes you, you actually feel a sharp pain in your side.

SCROLL OF SHAME – Continuous scroll of every embarrassing nickname or taunt you’ve ever received.

ACEBOOK-FAY – At random intervals, everything on your Facebook wall is changed to Pig Latin.

NEW GROUPS GALORE – Includes “People You’ve Been in Car Accidents With,” “Dudes Who Share Your Middle Name,” and “Other People Who Like Dinty Moore Beef Stew.”

LOOK WHAT YOU’RE MISSING – Fun activities of people who unfriended you now appear at the top of your news feed.

LIKES?YIKES! – Suddenly all the music, movies and activities listed on your info page revert to what they would have been when you were 14. Starland Vocal Band anyone? Anyone?

SUPERCHAT – Every five minutes, a friend is invited to chat about a) the weather b) their vacation or c) the weather during their vacation.

CLICK THIS – The pointing index finger symbol is replaced by a pointing middle finger.

Feel better now?