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Category Archives: school

Graduation Speech Cliches that Need to be Retired

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As college and high school graduation season rolls through the land, thousands of audiences will hear the same bits of tired wisdom that have been trotted out for decades. Perhaps it is time to give some of these insights a rest.

“Don’t be afraid to fail.” – While I understand and agree with the sentiment, I kind of think it might not be a bad idea to be just a little bit afraid to fail. Not a lot. Just enough to keep from losing your life savings on that digital chinchilla farm idea.

“Remember that you are the future.” – No kidding. Listen, not only do graduates fully understand that they are the future, their entire master plan for happiness and success hinges on them being the future.

“Always appreciate your parents.” – Again, wonderful sentiment. However, do we really believe that some kid is sitting there in a cap and gown, thinking, “You know, I never really cared for Mom and Dad, but now that the CEO of AcmeCorp has set me straight, I’m going to start remembering their birthdays!”?

“Enjoy this time of your life.” – Really? A jobless economic recovery, a mountain of student debt and a mind-numbing presidential campaign season ahead of us – and these are the glory days? Enjoy, kids.

“Follow your dreams.” – This one comes with an implied kicker: “As long as your dream isn’t to spend three years on Mom’s couch while you pursue a career as a professional poker player.”

“Never stop learning.” – This advice would be much better directed to the parents than the graduates. Today’s kids have no intention of stopping their education and skills training. They know they’ll work a series of jobs over their lifetime. It’s their parents who need to be prodded to read a book, take a class or attend a workshop.

So there’s our start. What are some of YOUR least favorite graduation speech cliches? Add to The List!

 

A History of Unfortunate Prom Themes

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It’s a delicate thing, coming up with a theme for a high school prom. For every theme that stands the test of time, there are several that become cringe-worthy in short order. Either way, they stay in the yearbook forever. Here are a few duds.

A NIGHT IN CHERNOBYL (1985)

HECK OF A PROM, BROWNIE (2005)

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON CORSAGE (2010)

MAGICAL MULLET MOMENTS (1990)

YADDA YADDA MEMORIES (1998)

WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S PARENTS’ CONDO (1989)

THOSE HELTER SKELTER YEARS (1968)

APOCALYPSE NOW – THE PROM (1979)

DAS BOUTONNIERE (1981)

Y2K IS COMING! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (1999)

A ZOMBIELAND ROMANCE (2009)

SEE YOU IN SECOND LIFE (2003)

MY SO-CALLED DATE (1994)

EAST COAST VS. WEST COAST (1991)

MOON OVER GUANTANAMO (2002)

FOUR YEARS ‘TIL WE’RE BACK LIVING WITH OUR PARENTS (2008)

Ah, you’re only young once. Add to The List!

Worst School Lunch Items. Ever.

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Hold onto your plastic food trays, friends – it’s National School Lunch Week! Time to kick back, take a moment and savor those memories of salisbury steaks, carrot sticks and milk cartons that refused to open cleanly. And when you’re done with that, consider how lucky you were not to experience any of these:

DISSECTION OF THE DAY

MASCOT KABOBS

OPEN-FACED PETRI DISH

CHEWING GUM GUMBO

LONELY GYM TEACHER’S CHOICE

GRISTLE LOAF

LOCKER FONDUE

SPAGHETTI AND SPITBALLS

FAKE FIRE ALARM CHILI

CHEM LAB MEDLEY

SNOT POCKETS

NITRATE SURPRISE

ASPARAGUS MOLD

THREE-BEAN SALAD – LIMAS, LIMAS AND LIMAS

Bon appetit!