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Category Archives: fashion

Going Postal: Brand Names for the New Line of Post Office Clothing

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postofficeclothing

As if things at the U.S. Postal Service hadn’t already gone off the rails, there was the recent announcement that the Post Office is launching its own clothing line. Yes.  You read that correctly. The line is called “Rain Heat & Snow,” and word around the mailbox is that it’s simply fabulous. Well, except for that name. How about one of these names instead?

FASHION LUG

C.O.D.IDAS

POSTAGE & GABBANA

OVERDUE BILL BLASS

MAILMANI

SNAILWEAR

GROWNUPS IN SHORT PANTS B’GOSH

JCREWCUT

ABERCROMBIE AND FLINCH

CATALOG WRANGLER

OSCAR DE LA RETURN TO SENDER

DEAD LETTER THREADS

HOUSE OF BIRTHDAY CARDS

I wonder if you’ll be able to wear this stuff on Saturdays?

The New Mullets

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As hairstyles go, the mullet gets more than its share of abuse. Today’s hipsters wouldn’t be caught dead in one; neither would their parents. But you know what? The mullet never goes away completely. From David Spade’s “Joe Dirt” and Danny McBride’s “Eastbound & Down,” to the “skullet” sported by pro baseball player Bryce Harper, the mullet lives on in one form or another. With that in mind, I have a few suggestions for some new variations.

THE MULLETINI – Kids love it!

THE MEW-LLET – Here, kitty, kitty

THE GRULLET – Grandpa gets into the act

THE O’MULLET – A little green dye does wonders

THE MULLETTE – For the ladies

THE NULLET – Nose hair mullet

THE MOYEL-LET – Perfect at a bris

McMULLET – Millions of fast food workers can’t be wrong

Party on, people!

6 Things That Are Creeping Me Out

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Here we are in this season of caring and kindness, yet if I’m being honest, some things are creeping me out. Not big things, thankfully. But they keep popping up, like irritating people at a wedding reception. Here are the ones currently causing me to gnash my teeth.

THE ABILIFY BATHROBE

Sweet mother of all that’s holy, please, someone, toss this ratty bathrobe onto the advertising scrapheap. I understand the symbolism. I get it – depression can be this smothering outer layer we take off with the help of medication. I also get the notion that depression may never completely go away, which is why the bathrobe hangs around, floating, in the background. But does it need to have eyes? Does it need to sit in the next chair at the doctor’s office and take notes?! In terms of basic creepitude, the Abilify Bathrobe is off-the-charts yucky.

BOBBY VALENTINE’S VOICE

I’ve become convinced that Valentine’s larynx is tucked somehow inside his nasal cavity. That’s the only explanation for a warble that sounds like Kermit the Frog on sodium pentathol, after a session in a sensory deprivation tank. Now that he’s the manager of the Boston Red Sox, we’ll all be hearing a lot more of him.

CHRIS COOPER’S RAP SONG IN ‘THE MUPPETS’

I happen to have a ton of respect for Chris Cooper, going all the way back to TV’s “Lonesome Dove,” but this just doesn’t work. The only reason the Muppet characters in this scene don’t have their eyebrows raised to the top of their foreheads is because a handler is physically preventing it.

PEOPLE WHO WEAR PAJAMAS IN PUBLIC

Have we NO shame, whatsoever? When did it become OK to swing by the Post Office, do the grocery shopping and grab a cup of coffee in our pajamas? As a society, I think we need to seriously consider the implications of saying to the world at large, “My desire for a Mountain Dew right now outweighs the common decency to pull on a pair of actual pants.”

BREAD PUDDING FRENCH TOAST AT DENNY’S

As a fan of both bread pudding and french toast, I feel I’m qualified to say (while letting out a sigh) this is just too much. It’s too much. For pity’s sake, look at that plate of food! Unless you’re an Appalachian Trail hiker, those slices of french toast are going to adhere to your midsection like a shopping mall sandwich board.

TARGET COMMERCIALS LADY

That maniacal grin, those twitchy eyes – why, it must be the holiday season! It’s a matter of personal taste, certainly, but I find these ads grating. This is a style of comic acting that works much better on “The Office” or “SNL” than it does in a commercial being shown again and again.

And now it’s your turn. What stuff is creeping you out?

Fez Hall of Fame

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More than just a silly, cylindrical hat with a tassel, the fez is a personal statement. I’m just not sure what that statement is. It might be, “Hey, check out this crazy lid!” Or it might be, “People, I’m operating on a level of coolness you can’t possibly understand. Seriously.” Either way, one should always respect the fez.

WILL FERRELL

As Mustafa, Dr. Evil’s henchman in the “Austin Powers” movies, Ferrell uses his peppy fez to full advantage.

MOROCCO MOLE

Without the fez, he’s a squinty little dude. With the fez, he’s the world-famous partner of Secret Squirrel. Need I say more? Of course, there wouldn’t be a Morocco Mole without…

SYDNEY GREENSTREET

Greenstreet, a favorite here at The Jimbo List, famously wore a fez in “Casablanca,” one of the best movies with or without headgear.

AKBAR & JEFF

Part of Matt Groening’s “Life in Hell” comic strip, Akbar and Jeff are hilariously enigmatic. They fight, they love, they worry, they accuse. In fezzes.

LAUREL AND HARDY

Here’s the situation in “Sons of the Desert.” Stan and Ollie want to go to a lodge convention in Chicago, but need to trick their wives in order to do so. The problem? The pesky newsreel that films them at the convention, in their lodge fezzes!

SHRINERS

Members of this fraternal organization have worn their fezzes proudly for more than a century – most conspicuously when they drive their nutty little cars in parades.

ALADDIN

It may not be regulation, but this animated Disney fez is more than a little jaunty.

So that’s my Fez Patrol. Who did I leave out?